Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl

This Picture is Funny and Oh Yeah, the Blogsite is Done

2008-05-14T15:51:00.007-04:00

Check out this picture of a banner that Mild Davis snapped at an obligatory Mother's Day outing. Can you tell why this bank probably should lose this photo used to advertise a family image? Hopefully you are as immature as us and will laugh wildly and forward to your immature friends and then we will all go to hell.

And yes, we're on indefinite hiatus here on the blog because we just have better shit to do...no, not really but we are working on better shit and we'll let you know when the time is right what we're up to. Until then, feel free to comment on our brilliant posts thus far.

Love,

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl

"I Spy" with Mild Davis

2008-05-09T12:33:00.005-04:00

1) T-shirt tucked into jean shorts that are so tight you can see the Marlboro logo on the cigs in his pocket

2) Canvass bag (because he cares about the earth)

3) A neckstrap for his camera and the hairiest arms I've ever seen on a 'ginger.'

4) $50 says he's got on a hightop pair of LA Gear's from '87 at the bottom of that mess

5) The cell phone clipped on the pocket for quick/easy access. Y'know, if the President calls or some other emergency should arise where he just doesn't have time to put his hand in his pocket and pull the phone out.? Or his jean shorts are too tight to squeeze that sumbitch in his pocket.

I love ATL but......

2008-05-08T13:59:00.002-04:00

He looks like a fake Rick Ross and can we stop using the "Z" for pluralz?! You can hear this song and pretend a new term "drawz" has just been coined here

Drunk Dial Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl!

2008-05-03T08:36:00.007-04:00

We've got our own hotline for our readers to call and sound off drunk, sober, on PCP about to jump off a rooftop, whatever. It's like drunk dialing except millions of people (don't pay attention to the hit counter at the bottom of the page) will listen to it the next day. You might as well go on Oprah wasted. So, here are some examples of what you may or may not want to do.....

Disclaimer: ****The last two are NSFW,C, YM, or SB (Not Suitable for work, children, your moms, or southern baptists

You can do a 3AM freestyle like our boy Donny Goines

Or brag about about "kicking bitches in their tits" like Juan Huevos at 9PM

Or fantasize about fornicating with paraplegics like DJ Brownske and his crew at 4AM

Here are the digits (program it in the phone): 757-663-7340

PS...This is voicemail only so don't call us to bail you out of the drunk tank, ok?

Liberate Your Ones and Twos With Cas One

2008-04-30T23:23:00.012-04:00

Okay, can we talk about how much you need to listen to Cas One? Not only is he auditioning for groupies at a city near you but he's classic good-looking, funny and one of the most talented up and coming emcees you've seen in a minute. He has a collab with Brother Ali for fucks sake. I don't mean to curse and tell you what to do with your life but I'm a jug o' wine deep and pretty sure your existence will be incomplete unless you read this interview and then buy the album immediately. Just trying to help.....

L and F: Besides the shitter, where's the best place to write rhymes?

Cas: It would be so inappropriate to write while on the shitter. I think of the lines while on the shitter and run back and forth between my computer and the toilette when I think of something brilliant.

L and F: You said we could ask you anything so can you please give us a good groupie story? Pretty please?

Cas: Hah....I don't have a lot of groupies (please send more) but when I was at the blind pig there was a girl that looked like brittany spears (a mix between nervous break down and non- nervous breakdown brit) accompanied by a homosexual that looked like Corky from Life Goes On that followed us back to the hotel and got naked in the middle of the hotel pool. It was awkward and a couple guys from tour were trying to talk to the girl not knowing the dude was naked...Which ended in hilarity...

L and F: What's the best advice (please choose one and explain)

a) Never trust a big butt and a smile
b) You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas
c) You can't turn a ho into a housewife
d) Wipe front to back, don't bring the shit to the clit

Cas: I think all of them are good advice, because from the looks of it they are all in reference to some transaction of an STD and I would like to stay away from each. It is also in reffrence to all women are evil which also may be true.

L and F: Tell us about all your collaborative efforts and upcoming musical ventures?

Cas: I've worked with Brother Ali on my first l.p called Liberation on a track called Flashbacks. I wanted to do something more aggressive and he wanted to do a more laid back song with me so that was the product. On my upcoming album The Monster and The Wishing Well, Im working with P.O.S. on a song that's in the works right now. I'm pretty excited about it. Also with fellow label mate, Intuition, whom I think could be the best writer in hip hop. I've toured with some heavy hitters as well.

L and F: How can we hold it down Indiana-style?

Cas: Theres really no style here. It's a big melting pot of leftovers from other cities that happen a little to late. When we get hipsters here in a couple of years I'm moving to Nashville.

L and F: What's the most corny shit someone can say to you after a show?

Cas: I really like talking to people after shows...but I REALLY hate to be asked to join a cypher. Thats pretty corny...and there always is one.

PS...Check out Cas One and DJ Figure and their project "Bads New For People Who Love Hip Hop"

Hip Hop Crafts Catch On

2008-04-30T19:17:00.008-04:00

I like to go to Etsy.com and search "hip hop". The results used to be limited but crafters are more and more supplying my hip hop demands. Here are some choice ones I spotted:

by Goekeco

by Teal Town

by Neva Restin

by Love Revolutionary

by
DLK Designs

by Camuscanoe

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

2008-04-28T15:47:00.006-04:00

When its Monday and I'm feeling down, these 3 things are sure to cheer me up:

Fabio and the Goose Incident (seriously, what are the odds?)

The rendition of "Afternoon Delight" in Anchorman:

Watch the video

D-Listed's "Caption This" Contest Photos:

-Hillybilly Harlot likes it too

Love,
LC

Dear Lady Chavez: Dungeons and Dragons

2008-04-24T07:54:00.001-04:00

Dear LC,
So I have been seeing this girl for about 4 or 5 weeks now and there is this strange thing going on between us, I'm not sure how to handle it. About two weeks ago it was raining out and she was on her wayover and I was looking for something for the two of us to do. I always try to be original with my ideas and try stuff out that neither of us have ever done before. I know this is weird, but I had been storing a bunch of my brother's stuff at my place and I saw his old
Dungeons and Dragons shit sitting in some crates. I had never played D&D before because I was the youngest in my family, so it was something my brother and cousin did, but I was never invited. Truth be told, I spent most of my time as a younger kid erect. I had a serious problem of getting excited or aroused easily and therefore I walked around with a boner from about the ages of 12 to 15, when I finally gained some self control. I mean I'd work it out and everything, but then it would be back again in like 3 minutes. Geez, I musta masturbated about 75 times a day back then. So anyhow this made me terribly awkward to hang out with, so I wasn't invited to do much with the other kids. But I digress... so I never got to play D&D, right. So she came over and agreed it would be fun and weird to play D&D. We started playing and I have to admit, the game was fucking lame. But my girl was getting horny as hell, so I kept on. Before I know it we're going at it right on the table on top of the game and she's talking all freaky, which she had never really done before. She's screaming about riding my dragon, and venturing into her dungeon, and something about her being the baddest elf princess bitch in all the land. I mean I have to admit, it was hot and kinky and I was having a good time. But she hasn't stopped with the whole act yet and everytime we have sex now we have to do this weird role playing. She makes me wave around this staff she bought on e-bay and cast spells and wear this wizards hat. I can't really do this whole routine without laughing and that's when she gets really mad and says she is a rabid goblin and starts biting me. I don't mean like nibbling or anything remotely sexy, I mean she tears bloody chunks of flesh off my body. Anyway, I'm pretty worried, what should I do?

Have you ever heard of this before?

Geekier than ever,
Third Level Dungeon Master

Dear Dungeon Master,
Well, first of all I know it is normal for young boys to maturbate 75 times a day because my bro and I had a heart to heart in a hotel room on vacay one time and he said he just couldn't stop and I was really grossed out. I mean, he wasn't doing it right then, oh nevermind! Anyway, all I know about D & D is that it is like you said, super lame and the nerdiest shit you can do. So, when someone does something nerdy or is wearing anything mythical-like, I'm like, "Oh what are you into D & D too?". And they're like, "Shut the f*ck up LC!". It is apparently also shameful for all those involved. Now, role-playing D & D for sex is not so lame unless 1) you want to do it ALL the time and 2) you inflict wounds beyond the 1st layer of skin. Now trust, I am a big proponent for role-playing which is why you will see me scouring the after halloween sales for some get-ups the whole month of November.... but you've got to know your role and change your role. Nawmean? Ain't no dungeon dark and wet enough for you to be sticking your staff into some crazy bitch (plus, you might get a staff infection...get it?!)

Yours Truly,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez: The Olsen Twins

2008-04-23T09:08:00.001-04:00

Dear Lady Chavez,

Okay i've got a conundrum. I'm trying to decide which olsen twin i want to get serious with. Mary-Kate has the better fashion sense and by far the better drugs, but she won't give me anything more than a little hovercraft action, or dryhump if you will. Meanwhile ashley loves the cock.

Love,
Danny Tanner

Dear Danny,

First of all, I am going to pretend you did not just sign that Danny Tanner because you just ruined Full House for me and I'm pretty sure that is a felony in some states. Mary-Kate or Ashley...hmmmmm....well, if this was real life I would tell you to choose Door #3 even if it was a one-legged carny with full blown Hep C. However, since you are adamant it be one or the other and this is my alter ego (not the angel on your shoulder or devil on the other side, but the one in the middle and further down towards the welcome mat) I will guide you. If you choose Mary Kate, her outfits might not be atrocious but you want her naked, so this is irrelevent. As far as drugs go, if you hang with MK, she might fix you up a nice cocktail but then you'll have the disease (not the imaginary disease that Christina Ricci had in Black Snake Moan where she had to do everyone or it hurt) but the one where your white snake won't work and will only slither around in your boxers, hence the reason she's always dry humping. Ashley, is your best bet since she's ample and willing. Plus, Paris steals all her boyfriends so its like a two-for-one...wait, or is that Mary-Kate? Damn, I'm getting those elfin hoes confused...just go with Stephanie.

Love,
Lady Chavez
xoxoxo

If you too would like some Lady Chavez advice, please email her at ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez: Online Dating

2008-04-22T09:42:00.002-04:00

Dear Lady Chavez,

I met this guy on the internet and he wants to meet up but I've heard some wild stories about that and don't want to end up in the trunk of a Caprice Classic.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is a very valid concern. We first need to mention that it is no longer lame to meet someone on the internet otherwise I would have started laughing at you immediately. I don't do that anymore because there really are instances where people find their "soulmates" and live happily ever after (I'm just going off those eHarmony commercials because those people aren't acting). So, what you need to do is stalk him. Borrow a friend's car and you are probably 30 pounds heavier than your Myspace picture so no need for a disguise. Follow him to work and back and to his extracurricular activities. Given he doesn't have a roommate, sneak in while he's out walking the dog and look for anything suspicious. This means duct tape, firearms and large rubber fists. I would also canvass the local bars for more info. By doing all of these things, you should have a better idea of who you are dealing with. To ensure your safety however, bring a friend along for the first date, but make sure she is much uglier and fatter than you. Good luck!

Love,

Lady Chavez

Dear Lady Chavez Week

2008-04-21T12:36:00.003-04:00

Fluffgirl is preparing for an art show and I need to get my life together in general so we're posting some Dear Lady Chavez from past and present starting with the first....Enjoy!

This is the first installment of "Dear Lady Chavez" which is just like Dear Abby but with a lot more sass and nothin' but the nasty ass truth. Please submit all questions for Lady Chavez to ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Dear Lady Chavez,

Is it wrong to have a sugar daddy?

Love,Need to Pay My Rent

Dear Rent,

Well, I think the better question is do you wanna be right and poor or wrong and one rich, pampered whore? I'll take the latter and buy my way into heaven later. Of course every circumstance is different, but in general, I think dudes know they're getting used, especially the ones with old wrinkly balls. Why do men buy convertibles and private jets? They know if they're flashy and fast, it doesn't matter if they have little pee pees or weird fetishes because women still go for it. On top of it,your triflin'mama will probably be behind the whole operation trying to get into a good home one day. So, really its not your fault, hunny.That man led you into a trap and your parents were unfit and left you vulnerable by not teaching you to care about what's inside. Girl, you deserve that money and you can always hook up with the pool boy on the side.

P.S. Does he have a terminally ill brother? Dang, just askin'

Love,
Lady Chavez

Bitch Better Have My Ameros!

2008-04-20T22:16:00.002-04:00

You have to watch this 9 minute clip from the documentary Zeitgeist. Has anyone heard about One World Government? Discuss...

The Kissing Game Challenge

2008-04-17T17:49:00.006-04:00

Remember Hi Five? I love this old school jam and it makes you wonder what is the kissing game exactly and why is Chris Brown just a fake ass Hi Five? Your challenge when you hit the bars this weekend is to just get to first base and play the kissing game. Trust me, he or she will call you the next day (just make sure your breath ain't nassy)

I'm gonna get an early start and make out with someone right now to some Hi Five. I might even bust out the side ponytail for dramatic middle school effects.

Adventures in Vegetarianism

2008-04-16T07:57:00.008-04:00

When the circus came to town, I was protesting on opening night as usual. I'm standing right by the curb with my sign and most people stopped at the red light are trying to avoid eye contact and getting fidgety while others either give the thumbs up or laugh at us. This is all fine with me but its the 1% that have to run their mouths that lead me to believe some people are so ignorant, this animal rights thing doesn't stand a chance. Let me paint you a picture....

This teal '96 Ford Taurus stops in front of us. The driver (with full-on mullet mind you) leans his head down and yells, "Y'all need to be worried about bringin' our troops home!" His fat, Ogilvie Home Permed 3rd wife is giggling uncontrollably in the passenger seat and the innocent, embarrassed 8 year old is in the back looking like this is the norm. Dude, are you serious? I'm sure they went back to the trailer, opened up some Budweiser and bragged to their neighbors over some unfiltered Pall Malls. The toothless teenager in the next lot would say, "Randy, you're one fuckin' crazy dude, man! Only your ass would do something like that." They would all laugh and then cough something up and would all be glad they had known crazy Randy.

It melts my heart to know that this fake ass Dogg the Bounty Hunter must surely be sending care packages to the troops and lobbying for their safe return daily. What a guy! He's crazy and philanthropic! Fuck the animals, I just want to hop in that Chevy and do some real good for once.

Sarcasm aside, there are plenty of organizations for shit like that...not to mention groups about SIDS, cancer, AIDS, Restless Leg Syndrome...you name it. So, don't fucking ride by a protest and yell some gay ass shit out like that because someone has to stand up for animals. This especially applies to waste of space rednecks intent on turning their 8 year old daughters into 2nd rate lot lizards.

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I feel better now.

Love,

For more info:

http://www.circuses.com/

I Can Do Tupperware

2008-04-14T20:30:00.002-04:00

I've been contemplating leaving this life of sin and crime and moving to the suburbs. Don't even try to argue with me. I'm all used up and there's nowhere else to go but J Crew and dress myself up like shit never happened. Just like Audrey, I'm going somewhere that's green and I'll invite you to my tupperware parties if you don't talk shit.

This is so gonna be me...tv dinners here I come! Classic...

Even “T-girls” need some bling…

2008-04-11T10:12:00.005-04:00

Today's theme seems to be all about addictions - and recently, I've been nurturing my very own guilty pleasure: eBay. I find myself sifting through gads of online auctions, hoping to find cute clothes for even cuter prices. eBay is the treasure chest of the internet – and when I say treasure, keep in mind the old adage, “One man’s junk….” Somehow, that still didn't quite prepare me for this auction.

Crying Game anyone?

Fluff

My Guiltiest Pleasure

2008-04-11T09:40:00.005-04:00

.....is SHOWGIRLS. I can't freakin help it. Everytime it comes on, I HAVE to watch. I don't have a choice in the matter. Yes, it's cliche but it's my cliche.

Here are the top ten reasons that I am obsessed with this movie and always have been.

1) My mother forced me to watch this with her when I was 14. Either that's really cool or really weird. I don't know the answer.

2) The fantastic over acting by Elizabeth Berkely. She took the role seriously. Violently serious. From the vomiting, the throwing french fries, the pocket knife and the dancing..oh god, the dancing. Like a spastic stripper having an epileptic seizure. I am sure her dancing has inspired many Vegas showgirls.

3) The lesbian vibe throughout the whole movie. You could cut the sexual tension between Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley like a hot knife through Earth Balance. When they bond over eating doggy chow and stroke hands, I melt.

4) Kyle Mclaughlins hair has a side part. 'nuff said.

5) When Elizabeth Berkley pronounces Versace VERSASE. This actually taught me how to pronounce the gaudy ass designer's clothes. Now only if someone could have taught me how to pronounce Yves Saint Laurent or Hermes, I wouldn't have embarrassed myself when I moved to Philly. It's not like you can buy those clothes where I am from anyways. See, this movie IS educational.

6) When I watch this movie, I always wonder if E.B. thought this would take her career to new heights. This would be her breakthrough role, forever banning Jesse Spano from people's minds. I wonder if she was like "Screw you, Tiffany Amber, I will be the only one to defy the Saved by the Bell curse!"

7) I just happened to catch the movie on TBS (whaaa?) and they use cutting edge Microsoft Paint to draw fake bras and panties on all the naughty bits. Artistic!

8) E.B's amazon ass riding Kyle Mclaughlin in the swimming pool. You know what I am talking about. Where you couldn't tell if she was having an orgasm or dying. I like to think it's a little of both.

9) E.B. dry humping Kyle Mclaughlin (is there a pattern here?) in the strip club while Gina Gershon watches. I had no idea that he came in his pants when I was younger. I didn't understand what happened and my mom wouldn't explain it to me. I thank her for this.
and finally.....

10) Possibly the worst scene in the whole movie. When her and that 'urban' guy are spazzing out (um, I mean, dancing) in his 'loft' and he sticks his hands down her camel toe inducing pants and gets menstrual blood on his fingers. I mean, was that necessary?It's like a train wreck, I am fascinated by this scene and am always disappointed when it's cut out of the cable version. Especially when he tells her that they can still hump because he 'has lots of towels'.

Please feel free to add to the list. When I come visit L.C. we are totally gonna have a Showgirls party....

by Hillbilly Harlot

Chris McCandless...Can You Handle This?

2008-04-08T15:31:00.009-04:00

Surprise! I have a new obsession! I can just hear all the gasps at how shocking this is considering I have the attention span of a gnat but really seem to make a scene out of all my fleeting interests. Christopher "Alexander Supertramp" McCandless is no different folks.

I watched "Into the Wild", became obsessed so now I'm reading the book. I addition, I peruse every blog and news article about him when I'm on hold at work (which is about 6 hours). I was 12 when he died. He said "fuck it", burned his money and took off for Alaska. Maybe he wasn't prepared enough and maybe he did have a little, "My daddy didn't tuck me in" attitude but I can't get enough of his story and how controversial this thing is. People are either totally moved and admire him or they think he's a piece of shit crybaby who had schizophrenia.

I think you can guess where I stand. He was hot and stinky apparently and at the end had a nice, full-grown beard. Is it weird to be in love with a dead guy? I would frolic through fields of buffalo with him to the ends of the earth. I have to get over this. Now I'm looking up more guys that died in the wilderness like Carl McCunn.

Feel free to comment if you've seen "Into the Wild" or read the book. If you're going to be all sorts of negative, go ahead but my love will never die...until next week when I move onto something else.

-LC

Crafts We Love

2008-04-07T16:56:00.002-04:00

Dinos in Our Living Rooms

Check out these homemade terrariums , replete with tiny tyrannosauruses, stegosauruses, and real plants….the dinos aren’t real, but hopefully you knew that. Which is great b/c you won’t need to clean up any dino poop.

8 Poison Darts – Kung Fu Movie Review by SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD

2008-04-07T16:50:00.002-04:00

Kung Fu Rating Scale:
1 poison dart: More practice!
8 poison darts: Thank you, Master!

INVINCIBLE SUPER GUY

[SHAW BROTHERS, '76]

This movie made its American debut on the USA cable network in '88. I watched the original uncut version, so it was pretty raw and badly dubbed. I happen to love that in these films. The characters got some dope ass names like Invisible Thief, Devil Man, Killer Fan, Dynamite Man, and of course Super Guy, of Low Hand Security. Sick Weapons! The classic bladed fan, supa-sized spiked brass knuckles, and home boy Super Guy beats suckas down with his Giant Bowl! You know Super Guy be puffin' on the Low Hand Tip....ANYWAYS.An Asian prince finds himself in danger at the hands of gold thieves. Lots of ninja type magic and great fight scenes make up for the crazy plot twists and weird Chinese drama. In one scene Invisible Thief kicks back and eats a fresh roasted chicken he stole from a girl. WAIT.... While his brother sexually assaults the poor helpless maiden. SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD don' t like seein' the ladies disrespected. Especially in the first 2 min of the flick. No worries, Super Guy beats everybody ass with that Super pipe o' his. Nuff' Said Ya'll

My rating: 5 *poison darts*

Where can i cop it? eBay , 99cents and up, Canal St. in NYC

Check our friend SNED YA BETTA OFF DEAD on myspace and peep his music page here - Jade Badger…while you’re there, check out his funky, kung-fu soul melodies.

Lady and Fluff

Shit We Like – Warm Weather

2008-04-07T16:29:00.015-04:00

The weather is slowly inching towards warmer territory and Lady and Fluff couldn’t be happier. What does warm weather mean to us?

•Fresh air, punctuated by the occasional stale cigarette (clove for Fluff)
•Those ridiculous genie pants that are so pase, but too damn comfortable to send to the DAV

•All day weekend, shop-a-thons at the Salvation Army, Thrift Store City, and Family Thrift
•Empty Carlo Rossi jugs
•Dance offs in the living room with music so loud, it could wake the dead (that's one of our neighbors gettin down)

•Acapella, rap-song harmonizing – Snoop Dogg’s Ladi Dadi being our fave

•Wasted discussions with the neighbors about which local redneck drives down the street fastest

•Yelling at the local redneck who drives down the street too fast (remind you of anyone LC?)

•Porch gatherings that result in a permanent collection of beer cans and empty wine glasses on the front steps

•Broken glass everywhere!

•Heart to heart Lady and Fluff moments

•Yard sales in sweltering heat
•Block parties!! Speaking of, we’ll be hosting another one this year, so stay tuned…

The Biggest Boss That We've Seen Thus Far?

2008-04-06T08:26:00.005-04:00

What is it about fat rappers that makes us swoon? Even the most thuggish ruggish dude falls for the obese lyricist. I can't think of one fat rapper that hasn't made bank straight out the gate. We've got Biggie Smalls, Fat Joe, Bubba Sparks, Big Pun and the list goes on on and on and now Rick Ross. I fucking love this guy and not because his songs are great but he's cute as shit! He breathes heavy and he looks like he could cuddle all night long (with a few snicky snack breaks). This is the appeal for women but for men I think fat dudes are just non-threatening, to the ego anyway. Plus, I think we've all been looking for the next Notorious B.I.G., someone to replicate what he had and was cut short. Why do you think Biggie is still putting out CD's? We just can't get enough but I think Ricky Ross can do it. I believe in him and if he keeps it street and deep fried, he may just be our next fat hero. I'll take a Big Boss helping, hold the T-Pain PLEASE!

The White Rick Ross

my. first. piece. of. performance. art.

2008-04-05T21:10:00.003-04:00

Wanna know how HoBo Fluff is? She sat down on a Saturday night (in lieu of the obligatory scene queen parade) and sculpted her first piece of performance art.

She admits to herself, the night started out a bleak shade of 2005 American Idol. But somehow ended in a bevy of snark, movement and hipster myspace pics…all facilitated by a lump of clay.

What do you think it looks like? Tree? A ziggurat? Dwarf Mountain?

It reminds me of the only time I went camping.

Get Motivated With Mild Davis

2008-04-05T10:33:00.005-04:00

What Is Wrong With This Picture?

2008-04-03T20:18:00.003-04:00

Courtesy of Dlisted

Trusted (Lying Bitch) by Guilty Simpson and Lidget Green Project

2008-04-02T13:52:00.003-04:00

Lidget Green Project hit us up about this new song with him and Guilty Simpson. So leave your comments for him. There's just 2 catches. You can't use the word "dope" and your one sentence review has to contain a 10-letter word. We will start...

"We couldn't be more loquacious about how the song and video fuse together in synchronicity triggering flashbacks of Pink Floyd and Wizard of Oz-esque hallucinations of Tetrahydocannabinol and codeine binges"

We got 4, beat it....

and check out Guilty Simpson fill-in-the-blank with us from SXSW

All This for 'Roid Fest 2008?

2008-04-02T08:25:00.006-04:00

Does anyone even care about The Olympics anymore? Everyone is fully shaved and is hopped up on steroids. What a freakfest. Is Carrot Top going to emcee this shit? And...

Why the fuck are they evicting 1.5 MILLION people in order to house The Olympics?! I was watching the news and this 80 year old man was crying and out on the streets because the apartment he lived in for 70 years was torn down for the event. I hate seeing a grown man cry and this dude is old as hell too?

Shame on The Olympics and their corporate advertisements and their molester gymnastic coaches and fake ass steroid bitches and their hideous ass windsuits. I'm boycotting that shit. Who's with me?!

Links:

Human Rights Watch

China Eviction Law Does No Good

Boycott the Olympics

“In the middle of the night, while they were sleeping, people came in and broke up the courtyard wall. There were lots of people living there together in this building, they had a shop, it was really dangerous, there were still people living there.”—“Zhang,” friend of a forcibly evicted Beijing family

Heloise and The Savior Faire

2008-03-29T14:04:00.009-04:00

Coming straight out of Brooklyn, HELOISE & THE SAVOIR FAIRE know a thing or two about dance, fashion, sex and the time-tested formula for dance pop. The band’s debut LP, Trash, Rats and Microphones, will be released in late April on Elijah Wood’s Simian Records. The band is fronted by the charismatic Heloise Williams and backed by two electrifying dancers (Joe Shepard and Sara Sweet Rabidoux) as well as a full band (James Bellizia on guitar, Luke Hughett on drums and Jason Diamond on bass). The group just returned from South by Southwest in Austin TX and they continue to build the buzz surrounding their frantic live show that includes costumes, choreography and more than a healthy dose of attitude. And if that wasn’t enough to catch your ear, their album also features two guest appearances from Debbie Harry. Yes, that Debbie Harry. We caught up with Heloise for a quick interview and this is what she had to say...

LC and F: The new album is called “Trash, Rats & Microphones.” What does that mean?

Heloise: The title (pretty much) came from a description of my surroundings within my tiny tenement style apartment that I shared with my sister in Manhattan while I was writing the album. We didn’t have rats exactly but definitely lots of mice that I would make my sister battle. I was TERRIFIED!!! And certainly there is plenty of trash in the city. TRM is also the name of a song I wrote that’s about how I (at least) have to filter my world when I’m trying to create something. I’m easily distracted.

LC and F: How would you describe your sound and live show and what should people know before they see you live for the first time?

Heloise: I would say that our goal is to look and taste like candy but to satisfy like a meal of meat (or meat substitute) and potatoes (or something else delicious and nutritious). We are into dance music and 70’s rock. There are a ton of costume changes and a lot of makeup. We really try to keep it interesting for ourselves and hopefully for the audience as well. We like to improvise aesthetically. Humor and heart are incredibly important to us. We want everyone to feel like they are in on the fun. If they want to have fun because they certainly don’t have to . . . We are never going to make people “put their hands together” or do the whole dividing the crowd into sing along type things. I’m trembling with the cheesy chills, right now.

LC and F: You all just got back from SxSW. What was your favorite moment in Austin this year?

Heloise: Well the Bust magazine party was definitely our most opulent moment but then afterwards we played a weirdo pool party at this housing complex (the Metropolis in Austin) where we were staying. AND, I have to say that that show maybe meant the most to us, emotionally. Our bass player was missing and we had to start the show so we were already stressed out and I was actually pretty pissed off. At first there were like 4 people there and then like rats they crawled out of their holes and we ended up having a “village” party. Our bass player showed up half way through the show and then things got even more awesome (because we could play a bunch more songs!!!!!). At the end of the night, after some band members had jumped in the pool and the nearly naked kid had been thrown off the stage, the gentleman who owned the place gave a speech and handed us the keys to the city (Metropolis city), so to speak, and there were tears EVEN (not from me – although I cry constantly). It was like an after school special for people getting out of prison or something. It was great.

L and F: We like Debbie Harry and Debbie Harry likes you. How did you all meet her and how did you get her involved in the album?

Heloise: Pinch me. Oh it’s true!!!! Debbie came to a show a couple of years ago. We were opening for our friend (and hers) Miss Guy at Knitting Factory and she asked to be introduced to me after the show. Thinking about it now, it was probably a set-up. My friend Todd Thomas who introduced us said she wanted to meet me but maybe he was just being nice. Regardless, she asked me for my autograph (she has a good sense of humor) and I nearly threw-up. We’ve been pals ever since.

L and F: How did you all link up with Elijah Wood and his label, Simian Records?

Heloise: I met Elijah through my dear friend Pamela Racine (from Gogol Bordello). Pam and I were roommates when we both lived in Vermont. Elijah came to see a show and was apparently taken with it. One night, I was chatting with Elijah and Pam, actually it was more like crying about how intimidated I am by business speak and record deals gone sour. As I was finishing up Elijah said, “Hey! Why don’t I sign you to my record label.” Of course, this was the first I’d heard of such a thing and the label didn’t REALLY exist at the time. But then the dream became reality and we are now signed to his label.

L and F: You all have a great look, and it looks like a good time! Who designs/puts together your stage costumes?

Heloise: Hmmmmm that’s a very good question. Sometimes we get help from a professional like Todd Thomas, designer extraordinaire. Mostly, we just rat it out of the trash or Sara goes to the Salvation Army or the Fulton Mall for teen fashions or Joe will cut a piece of fake fur into a wig shape and glue it to his head. I used to make the dancers’ costumes but they always sort of fussed too much and/or would lose some essential piece of the costume – like a gladiator skirt. So now I just leave it up to them. We do it by colors and there is usually a costume change. So we’ll say: turquoise hookers into black and whites or Islamics (just the name of a look) into gold bikinis.

L and F: Who comes up with the fierce dance moves?

Heloise: It’s a combined effort. Sara Sweet used to have her own dance company called Hoi Polloi out of Boston. They were totally awesome and would perform in Japan and stuff. Somehow . . . she got roped into doing this . . . and now she and Joe (her principal ballerina) make up the moves together. I TRY to remember the moves while I’m singing etc. but I’m telling you I don’t know how those pop stars do it. It’s hard work!!

L and F: When it comes to makeup and hair – are you all DIYer’s or divas with an entourage?

Heloise: Every 6 to 9 months, we luck out and have a friend do our hair for a special occasion like my friend Laura Williams (who we also have a costume named after because she’s so stylish and I also stole “cheesy chills” from her). But normally . . . we do it all ourselves.

L and F: Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction onstage? Did it get applause?

Heloise: Yes definitely. Sara and Joe have “wardrobe malfunctions” almost every show. I would say that Sara’s “malfunctions” get the most cheers. Sorry, Joey!! At times, I have issues reigning in my boobs. There was a time – a sad time - (before the band and actually I don’t think that the dancers were at this show – I was alone!!!) I had a dress fall down on me (I was wearing a nearly grey strapless bra that was too small for me). It was disgusting to say the least but at least I wasn’t nude. But no one cheered. No one laughed. It was silent and then the lights went down and they closed the bar. As I was left there on the stage in the dark, I thought, “Is this what it means to be in SHOW BIZ????!!!!!!!!!!” And then I walked out into the streets and there was a sparkly parade and it was St. Patrick’s Day and a leprechaun gave me a pot of gold and I slid up the rainbow into another dimension. Au revoir world!! AU REVOIR!!! I cried!! (that was a dramatic reinterpretation of events that maybe did or didn’t really happen). :)
sorry I’m obviously getting carried away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Xoxox,
Heloise

If You Don't Know, Now You Know

2008-03-29T08:17:00.008-04:00

You need to know about these two up and coming artists:

Ardamus is one of the original guest contributors (OG status) for our blog and his solo album is out on iTunes. We were super impressed with "When Nothing Goes Right" right away. Ardamus is like if Beanie Sigel was possessed by Jay-Z and then they had a baby with themselves. That doesn't make sense but you'll see...

Also, expect BIG things from Ardamus and Double Plus in the form of Ardaplus

And, please read his Lady and Fluff guest blogs:
Financial Art
Shock Value is Always Good Marketing

Next Up:
Squincy Jones reps Houston to the fullest but we're going to claim him 'cause we're from the South and that is close enough. Plus this mixtape he sent us is the dopeness. It's all for free of course at the link below.

If you've ever played old school Nintendo, smoked weed, or wish you'd had woodgrain to grip, then Squincy Jones is your man (we're gonna assume this is 100% of the population though)

Download Nintendub

Squincy-related Links:

www.myspace.com/squincyjones
www.myspace.com/speakerboxxthursdays
http://www.awwready.blogspot.com/
www.myspace.com/haterzville

Tracklisting:

Mario Ds Screwed Intro
Rogue State - Lions Paw (Metroid - Kraid's Hide Edit)
Babylon System - Dancing Shoes (Draped Out Edit)
Walsh & Kromestarr - Panik Room (3 Kings Edit)
Marlow - Road Kill (Goonies Edit)
Benga - Zombie Jig (Wizards & Warriors Kryptonite Edit)
Rusko - Hornz Cru (Diet Kryptonite Edit)
Loefah - Disko Rekah (Goonies Pop Trunk Edit)
Unsolved Mysteries Theme
Chimpo - Lockoff (Freaky Girl Edit)
Nastee Boi - Bangorz (Knuck if you Buck Edit)
Mike Lennon - When Science Fails (Hektagon Remix) (Shorty Swing Edit)
Babylon System - Loaded
Dj Unk - Beatn Down Yo Block
Woogie - End Dub
Rustie - Response
DZ - Just Rolling
Rustie - Jagz The Smack (Zelda Edit)
Gerard McMann - Cry Little Sister
Kode 9 - 9 Samurai
Kode 9 - 9 Samurai (Quarta 330 Remix)

Shit We Like

2008-03-27T15:18:00.002-04:00

Lady and Fluff “heart” vintage jewelry, and we’re also huge proponents of recycling and re-purposing baubles from by-gone eras….which is why we are featuring a great jewelry designer this week who does just that: Sheryl Pang from Boheme Jewelry. Some of her pieces feature true vintage components, and all of them are sure to be as unique as they look….so that girl at work who looks like she’s been sifting through your closet will have NO idea where you got your accessories. You know how Lady and Fluff “hate” posers.

YAY for distinctive vintage trinkets!

Crafts We Love

2008-03-27T11:21:00.007-04:00

Foofshop - even the name is cute! I’ve been searching high and low for a cute and one-of-a-kind protective case for my iPod Touch. After discovering Foof, I knew my search was over. I just got my very own handmade, foofpod in the mail this week - made from a beautiful Japanese cotton called Origami Kuro. Foof offers over a dozen fabrics to choose from, as well as protective pods for your Macbook, too. And! Not only are they opposed to sweat-shop labor, but all their products are CO2 free, or carbon offset, for all you greenies out there.

Buy one for yourself here and read more about the company in their Foofshop Press Release.

Long live the FOOF!

Why Rite Aid is Less Fun Than Maury Povich

2008-03-27T07:16:00.009-04:00

Identigene has come out with a parternity test that costs $29.99 and is 99.9% accurate. Then you have to send your spit swab and consent form to a lab for $119. Do I feel like Maury will take a hard hit booking guests? Fuck no. Let me paint you a picture of why finding your baby's daddy in a box is not as fun.

On the Maury Show:

1) You will be able to have that beginning session with Maury where you cry and say you are 120% sure Tyrell is the daddy (math?)

2) When the "daddy" comes out you can get all up in his face and call him a piece of shit until Maury tells you to sit your ass down because you don't want to stress out the other illigitimate baby in yo' stomach at present.

3) You can point at the big sceen of your baby eating cheetos in the green room and single out all the features that look just like Tyrell.

4) You can rebuttal when Tyrell calls you a slut and that he's 120% unsure he is the father because you slept with ALL of his friends. He will say he definitely slept with you that week but it is impossible he could be the father (WAIT! I forgot to mention the black and white artsy piece where Tyrell is behind the chain link fence and also calls you a slut prior to his entrance)

5) When Maury finally reads the results (after the commercial break of course), Tyrell will not be the father so you will run out crying, drop to the floor still where the audience can see and then run back where they also coincidentally have cameras set up down the long corridor. You will try to get out the door but it will be locked and you will be stuck there. Maury will come along, comfort you and say, "We'll keep trying! I promise we'll keep trying!" Did I mention this is already your 4th time on the show?

So, who the hell would buy this kit when you can go onto Maury for some genuine drama, save $150 and get a free trip to NYC?

Check This Out!

2008-03-26T08:34:00.005-04:00

Who: Jess Raskin - my favorite actress (and she also happens to be one of my best friends)

What: Her punk grrl debut in the CBS hit, Criminal Minds

Where: On a boob tube near you!

When: Next Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 @ 9pm on CBS

Everyone knows I avoid the TV like a case of the clap - but I’m going to have to make an exception for my best bud in LA, who will be guest starring in her first TV drama, Criminal Minds, on April 2nd. It’s a cool show, too – forensic investigators and crime scenes and dead people….I will surely break my anti-TV mantra for this one. You should watch, too.

For more info on this amazing girl (who made her first appearance in front of the camera at age 7 in John Water's Cry-Baby as Susie-Q opposite Ricki Lake and Johnny Depp!), visit her websites:

www.jessicaraskin.com

Jessica Raskin’s Myspace

Love,

Fluff

Reader of the Month: Roommate Edition

2008-03-24T18:38:00.013-04:00

For this Reader of the Month Edition, we hit up our very most favorite groupie, Brownske, and his lovely hardcore lady roommate, Philly Jen, for a little interview. He looks creepy in this picture because he totally hits on her all the time. Wouldn't you?!

Name: Jenee B

Nickname: Philly Jen

Rep Your Hood:

Philly baby...the ruff Point Breeze to be exact

What makes you so damn special?

Probably the fact that I live in an animal kingdom and drive a vehicle used for safaris in Africa but live in the concrete jungle of Philly

What word or phrase do you use the most?

"here's the deal"

How do you get down?

These days I'm focused on getting up

What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day?

Be born into a dysfunctional family, make bad decisions until your mid twenties and then wake up with a an awesome perspective...that's my money maker right there

What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival?

Probably Belinda Carlisle, Heaven is a Place on Earth. There's nothing like swapping mouth spit and smelling the fumes of someones ass

Why do you love us so much? No promo.

I'm all about women giving perspective in a funny way, no matter the subject

Name: Edwin James Wills

Nickname: Brownske

Rep Your Hood:

The Philadelphia Zoo/I LOVE Philadelphia because we have a history for making history.

What makes you so damn special?

My cat Brooklyn. All the girls love Brooklyn and that makes me puss friendly in more ways then one.

What word or phrase do you use the most? Nice

How do you get down? 1983/braces and fat laces.

What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day?

Never let a Bumble Bee tell you that it will tempt your tummy with the taste of nuts and honey. A Bumble Bee is known to front from time to time.

What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival?

I would think that "Father Figure" by George Michael would be nice, especially if you have pink sticky cotton candy hands. (I used the word nice/see question five)

Why do you love us so much? No promo.

I love you two so much because you are The Queens of Wordplay and you show love to so many people. Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl..what more can I say?

-Check out their joint project coming soon....

Sean Kingston, Step Your Game Up!

2008-03-24T18:09:00.008-04:00

I heard this old school reggae joint on the radio the other day and got hype! You know like when you hear a good song and you almost sideswipe the car next to you when you're getting off the interstate because you are in the moment and cannot be bothered with turning your head in mid-bobbing?!

"Too many Suckas and not enough time"- truest words ever spoken straight out the gate

Where were you in '94? Hmmmmmm....

Click here to hear the whole song

I Feel So Cold and Alone

2008-03-24T08:29:00.008-04:00

I feel so cold and alone…

Monday started like any other day. Got up. Ate breakfast and headed to work. Little did I know that I would be damaged goods by the day’s end. I read through some emails and then jumped over to check in on my MySpace page, only to find that my login had been hacked by some 11 year old Nigerian kid who wanted my ‘friends’ to buy phone cards and look at some 18 year old snatch. I felt so dirty and used. I, albeit pathetically, prided myself on being one of the few that never fell for the dummy login screen and handed my password over to the neterrorists. It was like being the last dude alive in a zombie movie. But I guess my brain has now become lunch.

After figuring out how to change my password, I did the obligatory apologetic reply to all my friends who sent me ‘you done got hacked’ messages. But I still felt cold and alone. Plus, I forget everything ever, so the idea of a new password was a chilling reality to come to terms with on such short notice. It made me sad to think some little hacking fucktard was busy using my good name to peddle his shit. It also made me glad that I don’t keep anything scandalous stored in my site. I don’t know if I could handle a sex tape scandal or if my secret identity as “Client #10” was compromised.

So, if I hit you up and told you to check out my sister’s crazy sex video or tried to convince you that I was your man for the Akon ringtone hookup…my bust, yo. I’ll continue to try to scrub away at the shame which has weaseled its way into my online life. I’m sure I’ll myspace again, but I have some trust issues to work out first. But at least I know I’m not alone in my shame. Either that, or really Cities want me to have a Macy’s giftcard too.

md

P.S. Why do people insist on calling this getting ‘phished’? It took us all those years to get rid of that drum-solo loving excuse for a band, and now we’re naming shit after those hippies? For real? Couldn’t we call it getting “anna nicoled” or “tara reided”? At least the metaphor works. I’m just saying…

MD

When Hell Is Full, The Dead Shall Walk The Earth

2008-03-21T09:59:00.008-04:00

Well, I guess hell was full because Sunday we worship the world's most famous zombie. We celebrate by eating big slabs of zombie carcass, otherwise known as Easter ham. Or if you really fancy, you get to attend Easter Brunch after church. Don't forget your pastel pink hats and shoes, ladies! You can now wear white!

This post is really about the Zombie Crawl, now in it's 3rd year! Last year over 300 people attended, dressed as the undead in response to easter for drinkin and debauchery. So while ma and pa are eating up some ambrosia salad, you can walk down the hell that is south street to worship the dead that deserve it. Like that girl in Evil Dead. That bitch needs a fan club! and some of them Equate White Strips (you know we can't be affording Crest).

So come on out to the Philly Bar Crawl or see if there is one in your town. They are getting ever popular all over. Check out http://www.phillyzombiecrawl.com/

Tell em Hillbilly sent cha!

Shit We Like

2008-03-20T09:51:00.008-04:00

We normally call this the Trend of the Week post, but I’m kind of over that name b/c it implies that the shit posted in this section is “trendy.” And while some of the stuff we like falls into that category, we prefer to think it’s by accident and not b/c it’s what is actually considered trendy at the time. We’re not hipster snobs and we’re not a total conformists…we just like what we like.

Anyhoo, this week’s post is born out of necessity and who doesn’t like cute wardrobe shit that actually has a purpose? I have never walked so much in my life after moving to the NYC area. Living in VA, you really take the fact that you have a car for granted and drive pretty much anywhere. But I have to walk to the grocery store, to restaurants, to the doctor, to work – rain or shine. And all the girls here have really cute boots for rain, also known as Wellies. I’ve been super lazy about investing in my own pair, and hadn’t really seen any that caught my eye…until now. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these Ed Hardy rain boots!! Never mind that fact that they are a brilliant shade of yellow, but they also have geishas and cherry blossoms all over them. Kind of pricey, but I would totally forgo a shopping trip to Whole Foods if it meant I could have the money to buy these….

Crafts We Love

2008-03-20T09:41:00.002-04:00

Raise your hand if you had a sock monkey when you were little. I had one (even though I think he might be somewhere in FL, after leaving him in a hotel room), and have longed for another ever since. Come to find out, I’m not alone – sock monkeys are everywhere!! There are kits , premade sock monkeys of all colors and sizes (so different than the one I had – and cuter still!), and even art focused around this clever-looking bugger.

Make Your Own

Or Just Buy One

Sock Monkey Art

SXSW Wrap-Up

2008-03-19T11:12:00.003-04:00

I’m baaaaaack…

Hello party people. I’m back from South by Southwest. I managed to make it out of TX with most of my dignity, none of my money and a hangover that keeps on giving. I blame the BBQ, whiskey and Lonestar beer for most of that.

It was four great days in Austin, TX and I got to see some pretty fantastic stuff and meet a few of my heroes. Here’s my highlights from a very foggy memory of the last week…

…El-P stopped by my party on Thursday to see Apollo Heights. Nice dood. Turns out he was in the hotel room next to mine.

…Evil Bebos, Colossus and Thunderlip did NC proud with blistering sets of metal at the Black Box Mixtapes official SxSW showcase.

…Percee P did a fast paced set at the Stones Throw party with DJ Rhettmatic on the decks. Then I ducked off for a quick sesh with DJ Rhettmatic and a buddy.

…Daryl Hall (of Hall & Oats) jumped on the elevator with me at the hotel. I hummed “Rich Girl.” He didn’t seem amused.

…Free ice cream at the Terrorbird Media party at Emo's. Nothing goes with Lonestar Beer like a pina colada popsicle. Yum.

…CunninLynguists worked it out at our Redeye day party at the Dirty Dog Bar, and got the crowd moving in the mid-afternoon. Thanks, fellas!

…American Princes, did a few songs off of their new album, Other People, at the Planetary Group day party. These guys might be the best rock band in America.

…The Donnas are very hot in person. Even hotter on stage. Mmmmm….sweaty rock girls.

…Props to the dude dressed up like a yellow Darth Vader walking around giving our candy canes. I don’t get it, but thanks for the candy.

…Liam Finn does his one-man-band show like nobody I’ve ever seen. He will be famous one day. Plus, I’m off to see him again tonight in Raleigh.

…Ran into CX KiDTRONiK at the convention center and saw his set with Saul Williams at Vice. Live hip hop doesn’t get much better than that except for…

…Wrapped up the trip with a set from Astronautalis. Best thing I saw all week. He did a mix of songs from his albums and a few of his infamous freestyles.

I’m sure for everything I listed, I’ve forgotten ten more great things I did/saw. It was another crazy year in Austin and I can’t wait to get my ass back down there for another dose of insanity in 09. Maybe I’ll see you there???

MD

American Apparel, You're So Fucking Cool!

2008-03-16T08:42:00.005-04:00

YEAH RIGHT. I went into one of their stores in ATL when I was checking out Fluff's dad's super awesome coffee shop and American Apparel is so retardedly lame. I can understand (but still not really) if you're buying a shirt to screen print something on but there are still way cheaper and cuter ways to go about that. It's kinda like the dude who invented The Pet Rock and made millions. It's a fucking rock and these are plain Hanes Your Way looking clothes.

I can just see some hipster chick in there going, "Oh My God, this little duffle bag is totally Olivia Newtown John, 'Let's Get Physical'. I have to have it!" Go to the fucking thrift store bitch. It's $40 cheaper and the fact that it was made in a sweatshop doesn't count because it's second hand (not to be confused with phantom hand)

Love,

I Learn Something New Everyday...and Again the Next Day

2008-03-16T01:02:00.004-04:00

Please no one laugh at me, but I just found out about "The Stranger" or "Phantom Hand" yesterday. To keep it ABC Family, you sit on one hand until it is numb and then "rough up the suspect". Supposedly, it will feel like someone else who actually likes you and has consented in sexual activity is doing the "job". I was flabbergasted and appalled that something like this was going on and I wasn't it on it! I feel so virginal and prudish. I have since learned if I had seen Gone in 60 Seconds or any installment of Dave Chapelle doing Lil John I would have been clued in much earlier. Anyway, so tonite I am watching "A Dirty Shame", the most recent John Waters movie, and this broad who's addicted to masturbating totally talks about "The Stranger". WTF? I'm 28 years old and just heard about the shit yesterday and then again the next day. Rub it in why don't you! (pun intended).

Either way, I think its fascinating and I will call it "The Thing"...oh and I'm also filing it under things I become instantly obsessed with like Jenkem, The Woman Who Sat on the Toilet Seat for 2 Years and Homo Thugs.

Erykah Badu: Are We Still Friends?

2008-03-13T14:21:00.003-04:00

Um, okay so you know as soon as the new E. Badu shizzle dropped, I was up on the internets downloading it. I couldn’t get it on my iPod fast enough. I’ve been a loyal fan for years…but I have to say that her newest offering has left me with some mixed emotions.

Erykah has always appealed to my sense of realism: realism in femininity, relationships, and life. Lyrics like, “This is how I look without makeup…..but I’m cleva….I got a little pot in my belly…but I’m cleva…” made me realize that life is full of physical and emotional imperfections, but that you can also take those imperfections and capitalize on them. It put us on common ground. And paired with brilliant musical backdrops – it was perfect. She seriously spoke to me. I can completely validate LC’s lezzie crush. Word.

But as I’m listening to the new album, I have to admit I feel a bit alienated and conflicted. It should be a goal of every artist to obtain and deepen spiritual, intellectual, and emotional realization (I’m into that shit more than you know and its certainly one of my goals). And its fulfilling when you have the type of connection with an artist where you feel like you’re growing with them and you’re on the same page – a symbiotic relationship of realization, so to speak (cuz I like to think she gets something out of it, too). It was kind of like that with Erykah and me. We were like that. But, damn, now its like we’re growing apart. In New Amerykah, Pt. 1, Erykah gets all controversial and political on me. And I was a bit shocked. Its like that time when George Michael came out and told everyone that he really was gay. I mean, we all had an idea, right? He certainly wasn’t getting one over on me as he danced in pink leggings and keds and sang, “Wake me up before you go go” (and the sex scandal didn’t help much either). But I was still like, Wow – why tell everyone now? Everyone knew anyway. It just makes shit a little awkward.

Well, I just have to say it: Erykah’s shout out to Louis Farrakhan in her track titled, “Me” just made things a little awkward between the two of us. I’m not even sure I know how to comment on the situation – I’m always so worried about offending someone…and the truth of it is, I really have no beef with people from different backgrounds and cultures. I work hard to embrace it. So, maybe I should be giving her props for being true to what she believes and having the guts to tell everyone…but it doesn’t change the fact that I do not share her views and do not support Louis Farrakhan and what he stands for. I just can’t relate. If she had given props to the Dalai Lama or Mother Theresa, I wouldn’t be writing this.

Of course, the big question in my mind is: is it okay for me to still like her music? All this said, 80% of her album still appeals to my sense and sensibilities. “Master Teacher” breaks it down in her classic way, talkin ‘bout transcendence and knowledge….and then she gets all down-tempo about 3 minutes in to the song (and suddenly, there goes Fluff shakin her booty without a care in the world, singing, “I stay woke”). In “Honey,” she likens her love interest to a cup of warm tea with a “lil lemon.” Mmmm…and that just warms me right up. She features Common on one track (barely, but he’s there), and gives a much-respected BIG UP to J Dilla on two of her tracks (maybe the whole album is in his dedication?). And that leaves me thinking to myself, “This some good shit…I don’t want to give it up.”

Erykah, Erykah - I feel like we have come so far together – I don’t know if I’m ready to walk away…..

I decided and it really comes down to this (and I would say this to Erykah if I could call her up on the phone right now): “Girl, we been through a lot together. You’re an amazing artist and I love you like my own sister…but I gotta shoot you straight. I can’t get down with this new political shit you’re into. We gon’ have to agree to disagree. I respect your opinions and your talents, and I just hope you will do the same for me…..but most importantly – I hope we can still be friends.”

I refuse to be one of those righteous mother effers who are, like, so wrapped up in the lyrics that they can’t enjoy a good song for its musicianship and “groove-ability.” Ya know? Lighten up, right? (This goes for me, too).

I still got love for you BADU!

Love,

Fluffs

p.s. – feedback is welcomed and appreciated, ya’ll….comment away!

Catch up with Mild Davis at SXSW

2008-03-10T17:48:00.004-04:00

Mild Davis works for Yep Roc Records so he has a free ride to SXSW and gets to throw parties, drink free beer and eat free BBQ just like the artists below, poor guy (fucker!!!!!!). So swing by and tell him Lady and Fluff sent you.

PS. He will also be taking lots of pix and forcing interviews for our blog so watch out for those post-SXSW.

SXSW Fill-in-the-blanks with Guilty Simpson

2008-03-10T16:34:00.007-04:00

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my dilla/big proof new era hat.

2. To kill the many hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to bring music.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see no one this year.

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me want to stay in Texas. Especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to rock the spot.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on a new ipod.

7. If I see someone wearing pink in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing a Guilty shirt in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that Billy Ocean will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, happened in Austin.

SXSW Show

Wednesday, March 12, 11:40 pm, Habana Annex Backyard, 708 E. 6th Street

Check him out:

www.stonesthrow.com/guiltysimpson

www.myspace.com/guiltysimpson

Trend of the Week - Vegan Cupcakes

2008-03-07T11:28:00.008-05:00

They’re taking the world by storm…well, at least NYC by storm. There’s even a whole cookbook dedicated to them. Pretty soon, vegan cupcakes will be as ubiquitous as veggie burgers (LC hopes so anyway). BUT – I have to say that I am pretty excited to jump on this train to confectionary nirvana – most bakeries that offer vegan cupcakes here in the city also have other health-conscious variations, such as cupcakes free of processed sugars or grains….and my personal fave: the WHEAT-free versions (I’m allergic to wheat). Bakeries like Babycakes NYC (http://www.babycakesnyc.com/) offer sugar free, vegan, and wheat free cupcakes, cookies, and cakes. Take that, Hostess!!

Love,

Fluffa

SXSW Fill-In-The-Blanks with CunninLynguists and Cap D

2008-03-07T08:27:00.006-05:00

Kno of CunninLynguists

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my Teen Wolf Swatch Watch.

2. To kill the 0 hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to bring a plane.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see the bottom of a urinal this year.

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me poop uncontrollably, especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to end up naked and dead in a deserted Austin street.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on hand sanitizer.

7. If I see someone wearing a 'Hit Me In The Mouth!' shirt in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing a 'Hug Me!' tank top in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that Tupac will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, happened in Austin.

Check out Their Myspace

SXSW Shows

March, 13 2008 at SXSW [with The Donnas] TBA, Austin, TX, 73301Cost : TBA
Red Eye Distribution Party @ 3PM - Dirty Dog Bar - Dirty - 505 E. 6th St. - FREE SHOW! OPEN ENTRY!

March, 14 2008 at SXSW TBA, Austin, TX, 73301Cost : TBA

March, 15 2008 at SXSW [with Camp Lo] TBA, Austin, TX, 73301Cost : TBA
Prague @ 9PM

Cap D

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my RHYMES.

2. To kill the hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to CATCH A FLIGHT.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS B-BALL GAME this year.

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me A VEGETARIAN. Especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to WISH I HADN'T.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on A GARBAGE CAN.

7. If I see someone wearing A COWBOY HAT in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing A T. J. FORD AUTHENTIC in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that YO MAMA will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, BLOWS UP WORLDWIDE AND ALSO in Austin.

Check out his Myspace

Bloodbath McGrath

2008-03-06T13:56:00.004-05:00

Okay, I thought I was going to be a little devious while LC was out of town (she’s in HOT-lanta right now with the fam). There’s this artist that a “friend” introduced me to a few years back, and I was absolutely delighted by her creepy, dead animal-esque creations from the moment I saw them. Check out her galleries here – http://www.elizabethmcgrath.com/. Now, I thought her stuff was made out of real, dead animals, so you can see how I thought LC was going to flip out (being how she’s ex-PETA and all)…turns out that she uses fake leather, fur and all types of creepy accoutrements to sculpt her ghastly dolls and dioramas. Put the vegan propaganda away, LC. She also paints rusty butchers knives and sells them as gifts in her gift shop. How freakin cool is that??

Love,

Fluffers

SXSW Fill-In-The-Blanks with Astronautalis and Luckyiam

2008-03-05T13:20:00.008-05:00

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my _my teeth_.

2. To kill the _3_ hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to bring _smallpox_.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see _dolly parton & van morrison_ this year.

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me _quit school_. Especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to _do interviews_.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on _a bottle of single malt scotch_.

7. If I see someone wearing _glasses_ in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing _glasses_ in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that _Lon Chaney_ will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, _tastes like tacos_ in Austin

Check out Astronautalis at SXSW:

March, 12 2008 8PM: on stage with CAR STEREO (WARS) @ the beauty bar 617 E 7th ST, Austin, Texas Cost : get a wrist band

March, 15 2008 8PM: at SXSW DAY SHOW @ PARTS & LABOR! (no wrist band) 1604 S. Congress, Austin, Texas Cost : get drunk sucker punch.

March, 15 2008 8PM: at SXSW EYEBALL RECORDS SHOWCASE! @ SPIRO’S 615 Red River, Austin, Texas Cost : get a wrist band

More info at the Myspace

next up.....Luckyiam

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my top secret/undecided outfit that I would never write about in a interview to give the comp a heads up!

2. To kill the slow, dry hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to bring 3 nyphomaniac groupies who lack gag reflexes. ________________.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see nothin this year, or any year after that. (I hate line*)

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me have the bg's (bubble guts) Especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to sleep with a journalist.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on a Zune or a free Iphone (shameless plug).

7. If I see someone wearing my answer to question #1 in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing a Luckyiam t-shirt in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that Feist will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, never really stays in Austin.Pce,Luckyiam/Living Legends

Catch Lucky and his crew:

March, 13 2008 at LIVING LEGENDS SPRING TOUR W/ LUCKYIAM @ Emo’s (SXSW Showcase) 603 Red River St., Austin, Texas 78701

and visit his Myspace often

MD + SXSW = LC & FG hating

2008-03-04T20:01:00.010-05:00

by Mild Davis

For those who know, Austin, TX’s South by Southwest Music Festival (or SxSW to the kool kids) is the biggest single event in music every year. Sure, Bonnaroo is fun and the Pitchfork Fest is a good time, but where else can you get four solid days of music, parties, free beer & bbq and hangovers? This year, we want to hear what the bands have to say about their upcoming trip to Austin. Since not everyone is lucky enough to hop a plane to TX for four days, went sent these 10 Question Fill-In-The-Blanks questionnaire for SxSW-bound bands. We'll post them as they roll in but we'll let Lower Life Form kick it off and show you how it will go:

1. The freshest piece of gear I’m going to rock at SxSW this year will be my ___cock ring___________________.

2. To kill the __wee_________ hours in the van on the way to TX, we’re going to bring ___lube_____________.

3. I will stand in line for hours to see ____Dolly Parton_____________ this year.

4. Texas BBQ and Lonestar Beer makes me _____glad I'm from Texas____________________. (Circle One) Unless/Especially if it’s free!

5. The more free beer I drink, the more likely I am to __grab some titties______________.

6. With all the free stuff from corporate sponsors this year, I really hope to get my hands on ____some titties________________.

7. If I see someone wearing ____press credentials____________ in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hit them in the mouth.

8. If I see someone wearing _____puke___________ in Austin, I’m going to walk up to them and hug them.

9. Don’t tell nobody, but I heard a rumor that __Willie Nelson______________________ will be playing a secret show at Stubb’s. Shhhhhh!

10. What happens in Austin, ____is always gayer than what doesn't happen_______________ in Austin.

-Lower Life Form

Catch them March 15th

2:30pm

The 4th St Blend @ The Compound

1300 E. 40th St

8:00 pm

The Light Bar Rooftop

Stage (Showcase)

408 Congress

Check out one of their joints here

World Etsy Premiere

2008-03-04T16:02:00.006-05:00

Ok, you guys know how we sweat Etsy and the DIY movement. Well, we have started our own Etsy site and right now we have 7 vintage purses for sale. We will have lots more up very soon and our photography will get better (we'll do away with the wrinkly white sheet background). Even if bags aren't your bag, check it out and make us a favorite or refer us to a friend or girlfriend.

Either way it is guaranteed that we personally rocked these to the bar or da club and turned it out. We promise we did not spill any Carlo Rossi or Mickey's on them. Wanna know how they stay so clean? 'Cause we roll up in the spot and we're like, "Oh shit, this is my song...Hold my purse!" and some poor groupie gets stuck with the purse and the vintage pumps. Sucka..

Check it out now

Type is Just our Type

2008-03-04T09:23:00.007-05:00

He might be balding and his girfriend might beat him but Type is one of the hottest indie rappers around. Whether he's kicking other dudes in the balls or getting drunk and undressing onstage, you're sure to be entertained. If you don't like hearing about farts and dicks, you may want to move on...but we're sold on Type, are you surprised?

L and F: Why does your GF beat you?

Type: Cause every god damned weekend, she catches me cheatin!

L and F: You and Grieves might be exactly what hip hop needs, changing the face and the content of the game. What is your ultimate goal?

Type: Fun-having. That is the ultimate goal in life really... enjoy yourself. Don't let other people tell you what to do or how to do it. Most of our stupidest songs come about for pure entertainment and turn out better than the ones we work hard on.

L and F: What is a Typecast show like?

Type: Offensive. I get drunk and say ridiculous things to see how it goes over in a crowd. It is all light-hearted though, NO bullshit, homophobic, racist or sexist banter. A lot of dick and fart jokes. Masturbation stuff. Self-loathing. FUN... I party. It's more like a party with a host.

L and F: Do bald men really make better lovers?

Type: I don't know because I have never slept with a bald man before.

L and F: Some emcees start their careers being funny and joking around and then they get all serious on us (we're not gonna say Eminem). You aren't gonna go there are you?

Type: I am actually working on a serious project called Whiskey Soaked Dreams, dealing with the personal issues of life, failing aspirations and relationships gone bad. BUT I am also working on a project called AMATURE HOUR, which is 30 to 40 times dumber than any rap album ever made. JUNK PUNTER, my song about kicking people in the nuts, will actually be going on that... and it is the tamest song on there...

L and F: When you get super big, will you become a media whore, driving around drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

Type: Yes.

Buy this CD here

Check out the "My Girlfirend Beats Me" Video

Type Myspace

Got a Case of the Mondays?

2008-03-02T21:12:00.002-05:00

Well, you could always be this Chilean midget with no neck on Dlisted's Hot Slut of the Month competition. Oh please vote for her please!!!!!!

And watch the video because its only 37 secs..

Bucky Covington..Step Your Game Up!

2008-03-02T07:30:00.008-05:00

I forced myself to listen to the country music station on Tuesday and I was equal parts annoyed and comforted. The vocals are still cliche and twangy while the background music is just as predictably the same across the board with slight tempo changes to differentiate songs. What really sets country music apart from other genres is the lyrical content. I'm not going to say that we don't have some simple ass rap or R&B songs or rock for that matter (Nickelback anyone?).

However, 65% of country music goes overboard with life lessons you could find on a crocheted wall hanging for sale in Ingle's Nook. The most recent trend is to urge listeners to live like its their last day and to be thankful for all they have because there are people who have it worse. While, I'm extra annoyed at this segment of country songs, I reluctantly find myself comforted by how easy and attainable Country artists make it sound to live in appreciative, selfless bliss.

About 30% of country songs are about love, of course, and the raciest thing I heard was "I want to show my love for you without making a sound. I think you know what I mean"....Aww isn't that cute?! I feel like I'm chaperoning my little sister's first real date when I'm listening to country. My dad did a stint playing bass in country bars and I'd watch those drunk old people dance around and they were really feeling these love songs...looking longingly into each other's bloodshot eyes and taking turns lipsynching verses to each other. "How could Toby Keith have known exactly what was in our hearts?" they would be thinking the whole time. It makes my icy heart melt a little to be honest.

The last 5% of country songs is totally miscellaneous but currently 3% of these are about bars and drinking (i.e. "I Love This Bar", "It's 5:00 Somewhere").

The other 2% are meant to be extra hilarious and the rednecks I know do get a good laugh. Examples of these would be "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk", "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off" and "Cooler Online" which I have posted below for your immediate enjoyment.

I made my own short Country Music Awards based on the day I listened to Country

Most annoyingly patriotic

Have You Forgotten?
Darryl Worley

-Have you forgotten about 9/11, Bin Laden, blah blah blah...?

Most successful Country Song to Date

Independence Day
Martina McBride

-I heard this song more than any other current song and the shit came out in 1993. Not to mention how much play it gets on July 4th and in Karaoke bars.

Cooler Online
Brad Paisley

-They only give us a 30 minute snippet but when you get a chance, hear the whole thing on CMT because this is so fucking hip!

Least Annoying Current Country Radio Song

Would You Go With Me?
Josh Turner

-only 'cause homeboy has a real deep voice in the beginning it's nice and up beat

Most Cliche Current Country Song but Also Not That Annoying (Except the P-P-P-P-Plower part)

Craft of the Week: Junk Prints

2008-02-29T17:51:00.006-05:00

Oriental Spy tipped me off to this Etsy site of glory. JUNKPRINTS a little romance novel, a little racially ironic, and a little blasphemous with some hot vintage on the side.

And check out the gallery opening in Brooklyn if you are not geographically challenged.

"GALLERY OPENING: Get yer wine and cheese on w/ me at TemporaryGallery's INSINUATION opening MAR. 6th 6p-9p102 Allen st. btwn Broom & Delancey in the Lower East Side"

Here's the creators bio 'cause we love it:

"LET'S TALK ABOUT ME:My name is Chanel...it's my real name. My mommy is a huge fan of Coco Chanel...the little black dress etc.I'm a graphic designer/photo-illustrator...been doing that stuff professionally for about 4 years. Check out junkprints.com for more info and my portfolio.When I'm not glued to the computer monitor, drawing, clicking the shutter or pulling my hair out. You can catch me riding around BK on my vintage bike, eating plantain, tearing up suburban thrift stores, bitching about art and music or looking at rental units (I love looking at rental units...I have no intention to move...just like to look :)I found this sewing machine in the trash, had my special man friend bike it home for me and started sewing my booty off. Then I found Etsy to help sell the the fruits of my labor. Enjoy"

Please Welcome THE MAN

2008-02-28T10:03:00.004-05:00

Wow, something totally weird and awkward happened yesterday. It felt kind of like the time I walked out of my boyfriend's room at night and his dad was naked in the hallway so he cupped his package and MC Hammer side-shuffled it back to his room in horror...except this time I feel exposed and vulnerable like the dad. I found out my boss and my boss's boss caught wind of the blog and read it yesterday! I don't know why but I was totally mortified. Actually I do know why and it is definitely because of Mild Davis and his motivational posters and maybe the lezzie Erykah Badu thing...oh and possibly my White Remy Ma morphed photos of absurdity.

*I do want it noted that this is just my alter-ego and I also have a very socially-acceptable, politically correct alter-ego who is active in the church and local soup kitchen. I have no evidence of her but I assure you deep down Lady Chavez is a respectable lady. ***Thanks in advance for none of my veteran readers commenting otherwise.

So let's all welcome our new readers and remind them to please not read this at work as it is an HR Nightmare and only intended for insensitive, overly sarcastic people who have issues with authority.

Thanks!
Lady Chavez

Where Have All The Dickies Gone?

2008-02-26T19:00:00.006-05:00

Something that was not and never will be cool is The Dickie. Remember your mom would actually dress you in these because somehow she thought this was practical? Essentially it was a turtlenecked bib. The only thing I can see that is functional about this now is if you had a makeout sesh with some random and your steady was looking to get naked. You could undress to the dickie, still be buck nekid and hide the hickies. We'll call it The Hickie Dickie. Do you think this will make a comeback?

Mild Davis Wants You to Get Motivated!

2008-02-26T11:51:00.011-05:00

-MD

DJ Excel: Philly OG Imparts Wisdom

2008-02-23T07:40:00.013-05:00

DJ Excel basically runs the old school and the new school of this shit. You can find him all over the world injecting Philly-sized frenzy into suspecting crowds. If you're new to the game, he won't hate on you but he definitely thinks you might want to step your laptop game up ASAP. And watch out ladies, if you have a smile and a big butt, he might try to sniff that...

L and F: Jayson Musson told us once "if I go to LA and meet someone from Philly, we smell each other's butts like we're dogs, then go chase after squirrels together." Do you feel the same?

Excel: 1st off, Norfolk is like a 2nd home to me. I fly down there often, the love is there. It's an east coast thing, ya know. Not to mention, LA is a melting pot of people hustling to make it big. So the real people always recognize real people in any part of the world. I don't really sniff butts though, that may just get weird! ;-) okay, maybe if ur a pretty girl, I'll give it a whirl!

L and F: You've been at this a while. How has the game changed?

Excel: Yeah, I've been in this 17 years & runnin. the game has changed completely, for better & for worse....

1) Everyone wants to be a DJ. More people started seeing that you can make a living off of it & it became the cool thing to do. It's a lot easier now...all u need is a computer & a few days of nonstop downloading & you have a hard drive full of music. It took the OG's years of collecting records & equipment. It took dedication & sacrifice. Along with that, the talent level has dropped & the people really stop caring or just don't know what to listen for, so there's a bunch of DJ's who are makin' the rounds & the $ & gettin the props but haven't really earned it.

2) A result to #1 is that the game has opened up & now it's bigger then just one genre of music which is awesome. the DJ has been getting more recognition which has made us all more money & also brings more people out to the parties. We're looked at like real talent, rather then the guy that ruins the records by making weird noises with it. People have took a real interest in us (THE DJ) & we're poppin up on major daytime TV shows. We're looked at like real musicians. some even rock star status!!!! that's huge!!!

3) Now, the technology thing that makes it easier for people to DJ also has helped us redevelop our styles. We now have access to so much more music...stuff that was never on vinyl... songs that we all make. DJ's been around but you couldn't get the same quality. It makes it easier for us to travel which lets us expand our careers. The key is to evolve so we take the good with the bad. I'm not one of those hater dudes. Overall I'm happy how things have been goin & just happy to be in a position to still make a living off of what i love.

L and F: What should we know about the Scratch Makaniks Crew?

Excel: A group of talented djs, who are all OG's. Everyone is in the game because of love. we're all tryin to succeed as much as we can & have dedicated our lives to the game. Oh, & we got on the scene due to our full monty dance routine! ;-)

L and F: What's the best advice and why? Please choose one...

a) Never trust a big butt and a smile

b) You lay down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas

c) You can't turn a ho into a housewife

d) Wipe front to back, don't bring the shit to the clit

Excel: A. Mos def!!! I can't stay away even thought I know it can be poison!!!!!

-all the others are great advice also... all very true!

L and F: What can Excel fans look forward to?easter baskets & christmas cards!

Excel: I told my 4 fans i'll make sure they're in the mail this year for the on going support! j/k

...seriously, I'm workin' on more remixes. I'm lookin' to put out some more mixtapes & of course tryin' to travel & play more gigs & more cities....we're in the process of redoing the website & putting together a newsletter to keep everyone in the loop.

L and F: When you blow up super big, are you gonna become a media whore, driving around drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

Excel: Well, 1st off, I hope I blow up to get to that point! But I very much doubt I'll be the media whore. I'm pretty straight edge, no drugs, no drinkin, no cigarettes, but i love showing my privates!!!!! ;-) so u'll see me around from time to time.

Check out a seriously dope mix from DJ Excel and MC Elixir here

Craft of the Week: PBR is Timeless Elegance

2008-02-23T07:17:00.009-05:00

PBR soap....for when you come home doused in it from that wasted chick you were dancing with and when you wake up and you have Pabst seeping out of your pores...go ahead and wash it off with some PBR!

dennisanderson.etsy.com

PBR Tote Bag...Canvas is the new plastic and PBR is the new High Life so represent

lisaspaperdoll.etsy.com

PBR Duct Tape Wallet...just in case homegirl was confused about whether you were gonna buy her the good shit or not

jDUCT.etsy.com

PBR Can Earrings...the square girls may hate but those ribbons tell them who the real winner is

kimazier.etsy.com

Trend and Anti-trend

2008-02-22T18:16:00.007-05:00

Anti-trend: People who make fun of people who don't have TV who make fun of people who do have TVNahmean? Fluff and I do not have TV and we represent because we really feel like there is some better shit to do. Well, the new trend is to hate on people who don't have TV and are proud of it. Not only do they hate but they think other people will think they are hilarious for naysaying our naysayery. Well, fuck you and your Gossip Girls, Losts, Real Worlds and shit.

It's like when I used to protest KFC and there would be counter-protesters on the other side of the highway with shitty ass signs that no one could read and they were fat and downing chicken. Wow, they really showed us!!!!!!!!!

Trend: The Basic Banana Clip

Have these come back yet? I remember 2 years ago thinking I need to bust out some banana clip action before anyone else and then nothing happened. It's like the 80's came again and went and no fucking banana clips. So lets just complete this 80's thing again and also let me clarify:

None of this:

This says "fancy" in Nebraska still to this day and would send a very wrong message in an urban setting...

Lots of this in different colors for now:

-LC

Licker License to Drive

2008-02-21T09:22:00.002-05:00

I knew from an early age that I was not gay, but I have always needed a girl in the public eye that I could say I would go lezzie with. It used to be Drew Barrymore when Poison Ivy came out, then it was Angelina Jolie (pre-Brad Pitt) and for a little while I had a Penelope Cruz crush when Blow hit theaters. A lot of straight girls are into Scarlett Johansson but I don't see the appeal. Basically I have been without a faux lesbian lover for years...until now. I have always loved Erykah Badu and she has been looking nice lately but look at these pictures! She's fucking hot even with the Suri cut. She also has super-human powers that make men go crazy sensitive which makes her my idol and default lesbian hook-up if it ever came to it. Ahhh, I feel complete again.

The White Rick Ross Started It

2008-02-20T09:47:00.014-05:00

So, we all know that Mild Davis is the White Rick Ross, "minus the tattoos, extra pigment and cocaine dealing thing". Besides the girth and the beard, he is also a general badass and likes wearing sunglasses and taking his shirt off.

This led Fluff and I to wonder which black person we were most like. For Chavez, this was a no-brainer, given she really knows her way around a jail cell and talks mad shit, she is definitely:

The White Remy Ma

Now, we had a hard time thinking of who Fluff could be....until LC started having flashbacks of large men holding Fluff back while she was kicking and screaming in the air at some chickenhead for looking at her the wrong way. Party-goers would be looking around, shocked that this innocent-seeming, hot girl was about to teach a ho a lesson and go buckwild on her. We're also pretty sure she would beat her help if they got out of line, so she is:

The White Naomi Campbell

Late entry: Juan Huevos is Ja Rule minus the "has-been"

The White Ja Rule

Where My Golden Girls At?

2008-02-19T17:46:00.004-05:00

I'm 28 and I feel like I'm already way out of the loop socializationally. I think I'm semi-with it when it comes to the internet stuff, music today and fashion. However, I went to a local hip hop show (which shall remain nameless) and I would have been the oldest one there if it hadn't been for my cohorts who rolled up with me in the VW bus and each had about 5 years on me. It wasn't the hip hop show I'm used to. It was more Kanye West inspired, meaning the dance floor was peppered with underage white hipster chicks who (to my surprise) actually had rhythm and salted with really tall white dudes with tight ass jeans and the high-priced and high-topped limited edition Nikes that you know some chinese kid spent 10 minutes on and never thought of again. Smoking on the well-lit patio put me in the spotlight to be scrutinized by the popular bitch who just got hip to hip hop and thinks I'm a square. "I'm a fucking vet" I think to myself and simultaneously envision dousing her Cat Power bangs with Magic Hat. She must know some of the samples playing in the background but the others, she was probably conceived to and didn't even know existed until rock and roll plummeted starting with Dashboard Confessional. All these thoughts make me feel old as shit and I look down at my brown/amber beer and realize its all over. That beer used to be piss colored, tiny bubbly and furnished by horny thuglets. Now, I only drink the good shit on my own tab? I look over at the Debbie Harry wannabes and decide its time to bounce, take up Shuffleboard and retire to FLA.

Lady Chavez

Frontside Brings Out the Backsides

2008-02-18T07:46:00.012-05:00

Seriously, we're not trying to monopolize our blog with super-talented, fashion savvy, wildly ambitious up and coming VA groups, but we love them and we know you do too. Frontside is a big fish in the huge talent pond that is the 757 (there's that area code again) and we think they have the skills and the balls to do big things real soon. So, check out their interview below and in case you need some dope reading music, go ahead and cop that free VA to NY mixtape here.

L and F: If you had to pick... VA or NY and why?

FS: VA will always be our home, motivation, and main support. The kids back in VA have been down with us since day 1 passing out shitty quality mixtapes we made on our laptop at parties. By word of mouth strictly we kept gaining and gaining fans. So if it wasn't for that we wouldn't still be doing this. However, NEW YORK is a place we have always wanted to be at. Nowhere else compares; we grew up watching hip hop shows taped in the city and they get so live; so many people respect and get into your art, its amazing. Most of the talented artist in the game live in the city so if we can make it there, its a wrap ! In the track "just chill" a line is "i still throw up V's when she snapping a flick" we will always rep VA!

L and F: Describe a Frontside show...

FS: The cool thing is every show we have ever done has been different. We love to switch it up and keep things fun. Most shows are just like huge parties. We play with rock bands, hip hop artists; even techno pop artists. We really try to not confine our fan base and always put our self out there so that any person can find some songs by us they like. We really started wildin out at our shows; we started doing this annual show at Radford University for a Fraternity. They have this huge house with an amazing basement that gets packed out with kids; everybody dancing, we had 'Paid $cum' writing graffiti everywhere during our performance and there is so much going on you really have to check it out for yourself.

L and F: We know how VA birds roll. Give us some good groupie stories...

FS: As far as this goes you will just have to see it for yourself. Usually the crowed is getting pretty intimate during parts of songs like "ugh girl show me what you got, rub it against my thigh. " The stage has also been known to fill up with girls breaking it down all over the place. This is why we love the party atmosphere of our shows. Recently we have been getting noticed out at more and more places; and it defiantly is a cool feeling. We are both pretty smart guys though and we know what bawk bawks (aka zombies/chickenheads) to stay away from.

L and F: Go ahead and shout out what you have going on right now with Frontside and all other collaborative efforts.

FS: First off our first "themed" album we are finishing up right now titled " The Teleport Team. " It is a collaborative futuristic themed album produced and recorded by Chanticler @ The Laundromat in Newport News, VA. Now back in NYC; Mikealis is on 5 of the tracks on Penelope's upcoming album "The Boss" which has an upbeat 80's dance vibe that will be released in March of this year. Frontside is also featured on the title track to that album. Expect a major city tour with Penelope and Mikealis coming this spring. We also work very close with Virginia's sickest indie rock band A New Born Thriller check for guest appearances on their album and at live shows. Also graff inspired clothing brand Paid $cum is in the works as well as a clothing boutique further down the road.

L and F: If we were trying to be simple, we would say you two seem like opposites. Do you get that a lot?

FS: Of course on the outside looking in we seem like complete opposites. Hipster white kid living in the city; and a fresh urban kid straight off the block. Actually we have been best friends since I can remember. We grew up right down the street from each other in Hampton, VA. We were pretty much the only kids at the time listening to underground hip hop in our area. We also took ourself out of the 'do rag' and 'tall tee' category and quickly started branching into fashion and all other culture aspects of Hip Hop/Punk. Everybody seems to love the mix of the hype technical wordplay of Mikealis and the witty, never know what he is going to say next style of Afterthought. So its pretty cool we can have different styles and can still be on the same page at all times.

The questions we always ask...

L and F: When you blow up super big, will you become media whores, driving around drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

FS: Of course everyone wants to act stupid and crazy in front of cameras because they can. We honestly concentrate more on staying fresh. You dont want to be the clown throwin up in front of everyone at the party (especially while rocking some exclusive kicks. ) We like the way Pharrell carries himself when he is out. Always in control, looking exceptionally fly, shittin on everybody else. Thats how we do!

Check Frontside Out Now

The Elvis of Haircuts

2008-02-16T14:04:00.003-05:00

The following is based on a conversation I had the other day with a good friend of mine (aka The Mgmt.), after which, he submitted this scientifically proven theorem:

“Faux-hawk theorem:

Given the following conditions, (1) the faux-hawk is a celebrity-sanctioned act of faux-rebellion, and (2) being the diameter of a circle, the faux-hawk is geometrically relatable to the African-American flat-top, the faux-hawk can thus be considered the Elvis Presley of haircuts.

The Wu-Tang Clan taught us that the black man is God.

As Elvis Presley is offensive to the black man, we therefore believe it to be empirically proven that the faux-hawk offends God.”

That is some deep shit on hair!

He gets even deeper when it comes to beer - check his blog at http://profilesinpourage.blogspot.com/.

Love,

The Fluff

Dear Mild Davis: Same Old, Same Old

2008-02-15T14:47:00.005-05:00

Dear Mild Davis,

So, what do you do when you find yourself in a sexual rut in a long-term relationship. It's not that the sex isn't good, its just that its the same person every day. I love peanut butter and jelly but not always and forever. What should I do?

Ms. SameDickDifferentDay

Dear Ms. SameDickDifferentDay

That’s probably one of man’s oldest and most pondered questions. It’s right up there with ‘what is the meaning of life?’ and ‘why does it burn when I pee?’ as the things that have stumped even the greatest minds across the ages. I don’t claim to have all the answers, but here are my two keys to putting you back on track for some toe-curling, hair-pulling, carpet-burning sex in no time.

First, you have to embrace the familiarity of your partner. For whatever reason, you’ve decided to stick it out and spend some quality time with them, right? Unless you’re hella shallow and just in it for the skrill, you must genuinely like this person. Plus, despite the ‘new-car-smell’ of some strange ass, that always comes with a lot of awkward naked moments as you try to figure out what the other person likes and what they don’t like. For instance, some people are into good old doggystyle and some people just want you to pee on their face or step on their scrotum in a stiletto. But, since you’ve put in the QT with this person, all those quirks should be a thing of the past. They should be able know, without you uttering a guttural moan, that you’re about to make it to the top of Orgasm Mountain and to keep that choo choo train chugging right on into the station. The beauty of the long term sexytime buddy is that you can stop worrying about BEING a good fuck, and can start enjoying GETTING a good one instead.

Second, you have to get over our generation’s obsession with O.P.P. For foxy ladies, it’s easy to always keep one eye out for the next best thing. And by thing, I mean penis. But, like I already mentioned, you’ve already decided that you’re good with this guy for at least the time being. And, as far as you know, he’s in the same boat. So set sail for the Isle of Freaky Deaky. A steady relationship is your chance to let your freak flag fly in all its horny glory. If you like to get spanked and be called a ‘dirty little pony,’ tell him. If you want him to wear your panties while you dribble Cheese Wiz on his junk, tell him. And, hopefully he’ll tell you what he’s into. (Note: dude fantasies are usually way easier to act out, but are usually WAY grosser and stickier). Nothing, well…almost nothing, should be off limits. Use the comfort of someone you trust and seem to like to make sure you get yours as often as possible. Forget that random dude who bought you a whiskey shot at the bar last night. Yes, he said you were hot and he has nice cheek bones, but can he make you come like a schoolgirl three times in one night? And can he do it without you having to shave your legs and wear sexy skivvies? I didn’t think so. Plus, you’re waaaay less likely to get the crabs from some steady ass. That’s always a good thing.

So fuck the naughty costumes, sex toys, porn, sexy role-playing dice, furry handcuffs, flavored lube, edible underwear and all that other crap they want you to buy to ‘spice-up’ your love life. If you’re not into your partner on a purely carnal level, it won’t matter if his dick tastes like raspberries or not. Keeping things exciting with your steady boo isn’t easy, but you can do it. Remember that you started fucking this dude for a reason, and there is a reason you’re still there with him. And, if you can’t keep it up (pun intended) then maybe that’s a sign of something else. But I’m single, so what the fuck do I know?

md

What Not to Buy For Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T19:16:00.005-05:00

Hey fellas, listen up. It’s almost the end of the day and you still haven’t gone out to get your number one lady a gift for Valentines Day, have you? It’s ok, we’re guys by nature and waiting until the last minute is what we do. But, remember, this is the girl who has kept you in clean undies, hot meals, and consenting sex for the last 364 days and it’s your turn to say thanks. So don’t fuck this one up. To help you avoid the most common pitfalls, here are five things you should NEVER come home with on the most romantic day of the year.

1. A ROMANTIC COMEDY – Ok, she may actually like this gift, especially if she has some sweet memories associated with it. BUT, here’s the catch. Giving her the movie is also guaranteeing her that you plan to sit through the whole crapfest while holding hands and giving Eskimo kisses. Unless you want to hear her say things like “How come you never do sweet things like that guy in the movie?” or “He doesn’t ask to come on her face every time,” you should avoid the DVD aisle like the plague.

2. DIET CHOCOLATE – Do I really need to explain this one? I don’t care if your girl looks like this don’t even fucking think about bringing home anything that implies you don’t love ever square inch (or square foot) of her body. Valentines Day is her excuse to polish off a whole box of Godiva, guilt free, and then get some of your sweet nookie to seal the deal. Since your dick won’t suck itself, you better listen to this one.

3. ANYTHING FROM A TRUCKSTOP – I’ll be honest here, you’re better off showing up empty handed than with a ‘made-in-Taiwan’ stuffed bear or comically oversized card from a gas station or truck stop. Those fuckers know men too well, and they position that crap right by the register to give us fellas an easy out when we totally forget about important holidays. Unless you are in middle school, or moderate to severely mentally handicapped, this shit is not cute. Go home and get yelled at like a man. She may leave you for good, but at least you didn’t drop $14.99 on something that smells like child labor and flammable materials.

4. CHEAP LINGERIE – Guys, we all like to see our lady looking nice and showing off her lovely lady lumps. But, remember that just because it looks nice, doesn’t mean it feels nice. Your guy parts are infinitely more rugged than your lady’s and she doesn’t want some lace that feels like sandpaper wearing down the vah-jay-jay before some marathon love session. And, just because you think it looks suh-weet when her boobs are smashed up under her chin, that is no excuse to get the B-cup size you’re your girl rocks some DD’s. Unless you’re willing to pony up the dough to get some quality naughty-time costumes, just be glad you have a girl willing to get naked while you’re in the room.

5. ANOTHER CHICK – Listen up fellas! Valentines Day is not about us. It’s about them. You have 364 other days of the year to try to play on your girl’s latent lezzie tendencies and drinking problem, but, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not show up at the house tonight with another woman. This is NOT what she meant when she said she wanted to do something “special” for you tonight. That most likely means something mildly kinky at best, maybe some butt play. But she has no intention on going scuba on some muff on her special day. Trust me on this one.

Happy Vagina Day!

2008-02-14T19:08:00.003-05:00

by Unadater

Ok I don’t need to talk to the men today. As men we all feel the same way about V Day, we all want to go out of our way to show our significant other how much we love her and crave her poonanny on a regular basis. We all want this day to be kinkier than normal and we
would like to achieve this without spending a small fortunate if we spend any money at all. However, we also know this is impossible due to the high expectations women set for the day that are impossible to accomplish.

So allow me to talk to the women for a moment. Listen you get so many holidays a year where you are to be treated like a princess and your BF or husband is a distant cousin on these days. Hell there is even this big day called a wedding day where some lucky women get roses
thrown at their feet and become like Eddie Murphy's bride to be in Coming To America. We get it, you all want to be princesses and yes in this day of male sensitivity we all want you feel as if you are royalty, sometimes even more than you ever imagined. Which of course will scare you, but I digress.

Here is my solution, give Valentine's Day to the men. On this day of chocolates, blue balls, and light wallets allow the men to be thanked for all the moodiness days he has to put up with, the headaches you have gotten over the last year, the 12 times you got PMS. Let Valentine's Day be "Male is a King Day." Give him everything he has ever wanted, and become his personal slave for a day.

Think about this! You are women! You know your vagina is the most powerful weapon in the whole world. Why not use it on a day where men are so highly pressured to be the perfect mate and give him a taste of reverse psychology. Pick up the tab, open his doors, buy him flowers, feed him chocolates, massage him with your body, have a whole day where he can blow his load in the first 30 seconds of sex as many times as he wants.

It's quite brilliant actually; because honestly when a man feels like a king, especially on a day where he is extra sensitive and privy to being the most chivalrous, he always rewards his woman double sometimes triple then what she just delivered. Ahh the Power of the Poonanny!

It's like the male orgasm vs. the female orgasm. All men need is some titties bouncing on his face or good stroke of his thigh and he is ready to go like a stallion at the Kentucky Derby. However, women need to be warmed up, teased, tortured even into thinking they are never going to feel your ungodly manhood thrusted upon their Va-Jay-Jay.

So come on girls you are not 12 anymore, you don't have to sit around school all day waiting for a candy gram from that boy you love 4 eva and eva. You are a woman and you want to be a princess everyday not just Valentine's Day. So sacrifice your body and surprise your man at
work and allow him to fuck you in the pooper for once in his stationary closet while on lunch hour.

Trust me you will have the best wedding day ever if you can use V Day to your advantage. So from now on we as adults of the United States will never celebrate Valentine's Day again. From this day forward I propose that February 14th shall now be called Vagina Day! A day where men can have Vagina all day without having to wine and dine his significant other and rev up her poonanny!

You know its worth it ladies!

-unadater.blogspot.com

It Turns Out Hip Hop is For Lovers

2008-02-13T09:09:00.008-05:00

If you didn't read below, Ohword posted their hip hop love favorites and the list is really ecclectic. Looks like I got "Renee" on there for us. So, go to the site, check out the songs and you can download all 31 at the end of the post. They also made a CD Cover (pictured above) to complete your burn for your "shortie".

Now, I gotta tell you, I felt real inspired by this hip hop love stuff and Valentine's being tomorrow and all, I wrote a little love verse for my main man, Baby Dad:

I got a good man

Redhead with a dark tan

Freckles makin' their way down to the promise land

I'll lay it down just to make a clan of them

Spreadin' seeds all around like a geranium

Get in his pants 'til I get into his cranium

Little spawns runnin' 'round like its rainin' them

Hippie hip hop kids like we're trainin' them

Don't care what people say, it don't pertain to them

Ok, now its your turn. Write your boo a verse or if you have too much love for just one person, write a verse about that. If sexin's all you want for Valentine's Day, write about the ho you will pick up at the bar. Just make it with "love" and put it in the comments section...

And when you get a chance, check out one of the articles I wrote for Ohword about foreplay!

Where's My Mookie?

Wanna Know Who We're Voting For?

2008-02-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

We'll tell you straight up. We're voting for the candidate who will put a ban on hip hop songs with police sirens. The trend of inserting the occasional "innocent" siren has gone on too long. Are producers trying to give a bitch a heart attack?! I don't know how many bags of weed have been tossed out and how many hookers' heads have whip-lashed back at the sound of a cleverly hidden siren on the fucking radio while you're riding around in the whip! How many accidents have been caused by listeners slamming on their brakes to avoid a ticket that doesn't exist? Lives could be saved here people. The time is now and I mean "now" as in they should ban Akon's version of Michael Jackson's "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and not only because he butchers it but it has the sneakiest siren in music history. Damn you T-Pain...I mean Akon!

And who the hell likes that song other than the Soulja Boy fans who have never heard the original? He should just call it "Wanna Be" and leave it at that

The Trouble With Mimes

2008-02-12T10:39:00.000-05:00

The Trouble With Mimes

The trouble with mimes is they
think they are somehow different
from the urban onlookers
going through the motions,
climbing an invisible ladder and
pulling on an infinite rope of air,
That their act is somehow novel.

I’d like to be a pigeon and see how
it all looks from the concrete, people
gathered on their lunch breaks,
checking their watches, amazed
at such exaggerated movements of
daily life, backed with intended
Silence but slathered with idle
Conversation and traffic whirring.

The trouble with mimes goes way
back and deep. Centuries of white
painted faces and gloved hands
simulate our absurdity and
capitalize on life’s monotony.
What would they say if they
could break character and
let the crowd have the truth?

“Holy shit, this ladder leads
to nowhere people. Make your
own damn invisible sandwiches
and get me out of this hot black
suit!” People gasping and shoving
change back into pockets, would
turn towards their destination, one
rung at a time.

-Lady Chavez

Oh, You Thought We Were Gonna Talk About The Grammys?!

2008-02-11T08:21:00.000-05:00

We don’t have TV so we missed it and we know all your other favorite blogs will be chiming in so I created my own category that I think you will feel me on. We’re pretty sure it was not on The Grammys list:

Best Street Performer Because No Other Homeless People Do Shit But Stick Out Their Hand and Look Creepy:

And the award goes to…..(bucket drum roll please)…..

The old guy on the corner of 35th St and Granby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For real, he plays a really raggedy rendition of “My Favorite Things” on his saxophone (you know, “When the dog bites, when the bee stings”). Anyway, this is the only song he plays but damn if he ain’t THE ONLY homeless guy/crackhead who works for the money. I would give him a spare bedroom if I had one. That’s how impressed I was. See, in Norfolk, VA, the homeless folks are spoiled and they think if they stand outside 7-eleven and look dirty, they should get something. So, from now on, I’m gonna start handing out kazoos instead of cigarettes and give them a little lesson on work ethic. Who’s with me?!

Movin' On Up Fuckers!

2008-02-09T10:01:00.001-05:00

Sorry...we're just really excited because we have a theme song now. It is produced by Mild Davis and features emcee Juan Huevos. They basically took a 12 minute drunken bragging session from Fluff and I and miraculously chopped it into something they could actually use for a song. They truly are miracle-workers. Hope you like it! Leave your comments as always...

Flick Your Bic

2008-02-08T18:59:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact that I started shaving in 6th grade, it never dawned on me to grow a full beard. Sideburns? Yup. Goatee? Yup. But never the whole thing. Around Thanksgiving, at the bequest of a lovely lady, I decided to go for it. After two weeks of itchy hell, it finally filled out. And what a glorious beard it is. You know you got a good beard, when strangers comment on it’s fullness at the bar and mothers in the mall pull their children a little closer because they think you’re a terrorist. So, for those of you with fresh shaved faces, here are my top five reasons to grow a beard.

1. Ladies LOVE it. They may give you the ‘it itches when we kiss’ line, but they secretly love it. It’s some caveman/cavewoman shit.

2. Dudes RESPECT it. Next to penis envy, beard envy is number two on the dude hierarchy.
3. It keeps your face warm in the winter. It’s like a fur coat for your face and will stop an icy breeze in its tracks.

4. You get 10 minutes of extra sleep in the AM. There is nothing like not having to shave every day, and, instead, rolling over and snoozing out for an extra ten.

5. People you don’t like won’t recognize you. When my beard filled in, it was like that movie Face/Off. Nobody knew who I was for weeks. A beard makes it easy to duck the haters and douchebags. Plus, you can make out with the same chick twice, and she’ll never catch on.

So flick your Bic and let it grow. As your cool-kid status points begin to elevate, you’ll see the truth.

Beardo for life,

Mild D

Hip Hop is Not For Lovers

2008-02-08T08:20:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me yesterday to name some hip hop love songs. I was a jug o' wine deep and stumped. The only song I could think of was "Renee" by Lost Boyz which should be pretty high on the list. Common is off limits for obvious reasons. So this morning I may be hungover but there should be no excuse why I can't think of any more love jams. So, before I google the hell out of this, I need some readers to help me out. Here are the rules:

1) "Love" song means (man and a woman...no homo because that would be some super underground shit), no mama songs, or lovin' your hood

2) No Common

3) It has to be good, not just a song that talks about love

4) No search engines!

UPDATE: The list is out at OhWord.com so check it out and see if your love songs were on the list...then discuss and you can download the compilation at the end of the post or here

Boys, Boys, Boys

2008-02-07T08:04:00.001-05:00

Baby Dad and I watched "Shooter" last night. It has Mark Wahlberg in it who plays a sniper and the movie is well-rounded dopeness. Well, afterwards I knew predictably that Baby Dad was gonna have to get on Call of Duty 4 and pretend like he's shanking and sniping dudes.

Now, this reminds me of when I was a kid and my brother and I would watch 80's Jean-Claude Van Damme and right as the credits would begin to roll I would catch a glimpse of a 200 pound blur in my left peripheral. In a second my jugular would be attacked by a British Knight and I'd by on the floor in the fetal position. This would also apply to WWF. I'd be laying on the couch minding my business when I'd see my brother launching off the arm of the sofa, yelling "DDT!!!!!" and would get a good blow to the ribs and the wind knocked out of me. I was also an unwilling opponent in arm wrestling after every "Over the Top" viewing at our house. If we had a scorpion laying around, you best believe I wouldn't have a hand to type right now.

Why must guys do this? It seems to be a reflex and nothing even premeditated...just a primal instinct to internalize the violence and unleash it on the nearest innocent bystander. Women are perfectly satisfied living vicariously and thinking "Oh, it would be nice to be so badass." Not boys...they've got something to prove in 10 minutes and then they're back to reality.

I expect some explanations....

-LC

Three Makes a Hype Crowd

2008-02-05T17:31:00.000-05:00

What ever happened to the rap group? At some point in the bragging, boasting and bullshitting, rappers forgot how to play well with others and we landed in ‘solo artist land.’ Not that there aren’t plenty of mc’s who can carry a full 12 tracks, but the group just gave us a dynamic of different flows trading verses and turning the show into a party. But thankfully, there are groups like TANYA MORGAN who haven’t forgotten them good old days. These three fellas (Von Pea, Ilyas and Donwill) from Brooklyn spent 2007 touring the country in support of their release, Moonlighting, and have a growing roster of fans that include names like ?uestlove. And 2008 holds big things for these hombres, with three releases and tour plans in the works. If you get the chance to see TM live, don’t be a busta. Get off your ass and go see them do the damn thing in your face and in the flesh. I saw them a few months back and it was one of the best hip hop shows I saw all year. But wear your dancing shoes, because you WILL shake a more than a little ass......you will thank me later.
- Mild Davis

L and F: We hate to ask the obvious/played out, but can you tell our readers how the name Tanya Morgan came about?

TM: This is Donwill (the guy who wears glasses) and first off, on behalf of the group id like to say whatup to all the readers out there and thanks to Lady and Fluff for having us.

In a nutshell, the name comes from us trying to stand out. The scene is so cluttered nowadays and while there are alot more opportunities to get noticed it is also alot easier to get lost in the clutter. Between the internet and how much easier it is to actually make music nowadays there has been this surge in mediocre music and while naming yourself after a fictional woman isn't really the smartest marketing idea in the world, figuring out that we are actually a pretty fresh 3 man rap outfit makes for an incredible OH SHIT!! moment don't you think?

L and F: What's a little known fact about Tanya Morgan that we wouldn't know by just Googling you?

TM: I can't speak for Von Pea or ilyas but im a HUGE fan of the CW Monday night line up. Not that Gossip Girl bullshit though, I'm talkin about that Girlfriends/The Game hour. maaaan listen... I love them shits, LOVE. With Girlfriends its less about the story and more about gawking at Diana's daughter and her crew. I'll watch the reruns and everything just to stare at Joan... and Lyn... and sometimes Mya. William's wife is winning too though. As far as The Game you could put them Mowry twins in anything and im watching intently. I been lovin them since Sister Sister. I was even down through the bad hair days! The awkward puberty years, I was there and in love. I'm tellin you I been all in with them for a minute. I cant tell them apart for shit tho lol. I'm definitely into the storyline on The Game and all I wanna say is that yeah Derwin may have fucked up but Melanie is on some bullshit son. It aint even gotta be like that!

L and F: Do you 3 already have ladyfriends or are you available for some groupie love....or both?

TM: This is the kinda question that will get me and my big mouth in trouble so I'll speak for myself and say that yes i am single. As far as groupie love, if that involves purchasing instead of downloading, fans bringing their friends to shows, introducing other people to our music and just supporting in general then HELL YES we are all available.

(you like how i spun that didnt you... lol)

L and F: What can Tanya Morgan fans look forward to in the near and distant future?

TM: Much like our first time out with the Moonlighting campaign, 2008 involves a three tiered assault: mixtape, EP and LP. While I dont have specific dates I can still give you the run down.

Tanya Morgan is a Rap Group: we are dropping a mixtape in conjunction with Myspace, Okayplayer and DJ Soul that is meant to serve as a sort of 'history in brief' or even 'greatest hits' for us. While there will be a few exclusives on there we have a ton of material floating around that never had a formal home and this is a great way to package all of those songs in one place. And of course it will be available for free download. Chances are all of your favorite songs will be on there.

The Bridge EP: We *JUST* wrapped recording on this project. Eight brand new songs with production by Von Pea & Brickbeats (our in-house producers) with Mysterious and 88 Keys on the help out. This one will be for retail of course, both physical and digital.

Brooklynati: And this is our long awaited sophomore slump proof return. We have been compiling demo's here and there for a while but now that we have sorted out the EP and the method by which to get the music to the masses for the second time around we are hard at work on this one. Of course production will be handled by Tanya's in house producers but it wont be solely those two. I am not saying any names yet simply because its all tentative but definitely expect to see a guestlist for both producers and MC's. We promise not to clutter the project tho, thats not our style.

Of course we will be doing a tour in support of these projects starting around march and lasting for a few weeks. I've got a mile long list of cities in my gmail right now but until they are all confirmed ill just keep that info to myself. But chances are if you live within driving distance of a major to mid-major market we'll be in yo hood so come thru!

L and F: We saw something on your site about Lessondary. What's that all about and can our blogspots be BFF's?

TM: The Lessondary is our squad. Its pretty much just our umbrella of trusted peers. Not all of them are musicians but its our working community. We are musicians, writers, designers, etc and we hold each other down however need be. Most we started up the Lessondary Radio Podcast/Blog which is basically us doing publicly what we do in private, talking shit and playing music. Its a pretty fun show and while Von and myself have had the longest running show you never know who is gonna pop up on the podcast.

And of course we can get our BFF on, consider yourself blogrolled (not to be confused with rickrolled)

The question we always ask....

L and F: When you guys blow up super big, will you become media whores, driving around drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

TM: Honestly (i know this is not the intent of the question) i have a huge problem with the way we stargaze and give media coverage to these celebutantes and the like. Its really all just kinda disturbing to me, very very disturbing. Especially when its all about ridicule, chastizing and just tearing people down in general. That said im an avid watcher of TMZ tv :/... im not hypocritical, im complex!

But id probably model myself after John Mayer with regards to handling celebrity. The media HATES him and calls him all kinda douchebags and shit but thats only because he never gives them what they want. That guy is freaking awesome.

Go back and listen to daughters, bitches.

Check out Tanya Morgan on myspace at www.myspace.com/tanyamorgan
To see clips of Tanya Morgan's live performance visit www.youtube.com/directorilyas
To review Tanya Morgan's press visit www.loudminoritymusic.com/press.html

FUCK DOOK.

2008-02-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

by Mild Davis

35 hours…16 minutes…37 seconds until the Tar Heels take the court at the Dean E. Smith Center for the first meeting with Dook for the 2007-2008 season. In case you are wondering (or if you’re not) this is one of the most important days of the year for any UNC basketball fan. It’s so exciting for us that it’s like Christmas morning mixed with the day you lost your virginity. Lots of butterflies and the nagging feeling that it might not be as good as you’d hoped. Plus, I hate Dook as much as I can possibly hate anything in the world. Even more than Reggaeton, relish and Jeff Foxworthy put together don’t come close.

For those that don’t live in NC, and aren’t subject to the hysteria, the UNC/Dook basketball rivalry is the biggest thing in sports…EVER. Fuck the Yankees vs. Red Socks bullshit. Not even close. This is two towns, Durham and Chapel Hill, less than ten miles apart, that want nothing more to watch the other’s team suffer humiliating defeats, career ending injuries and as much bad shit as karma can throw at them. During a UNC/Dook game a few years back this douche-nugget showed up to our bar in Chapel Hill wearing a Dook jersey and cheering for those pillow biters. Let’s just say he spent the second half locked in the girl’s bathroom. Yes, it’s like that.

I understand that most of the country couldn’t care less about tomorrow’s game. But, please understand there are no neutral parties in the UNC/Dook debate. You’re either with us or against us. So, if you’re forced to choose, don’t be a fucktard and pull for Dook. Believe me when I tell you that they are the biggest collection of short, white, three-pointer shooting, never-gonna-go-to-the-NBA, anal fisting aficionados that you will ever see play the game. They will spend 40 minutes whining about calls and patting each other on the ass. Be a real G, and back them Tar Heels. It’s like supporting America and everything that’s good about it. Like PBR, boobs and Slayer. And, you don’t want to be a terrorist do you, Dookie? That’s what I thought.

Fuck Dook! Go Heels!

Dear Lady Chavez: Get Your Mind Right

2008-02-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Lady Chavez,

What is up with all the celebrities skipping rehab and going straight to the psych ward?

Sincerely,

Eat in Chicken

Dear EIC,

First of all, you know I don't get down with talking about celebs because the shit is played out daily. However, it is correct that the psych ward is the new rehab and bitches are taking it to a whole new level. I'm not sure you guys are aware of this, but I happen to be the epitome of mental health and well-being. I might talk a lot of shit but that is only because I am more stable in the cranium than my peers and somebody's gotta suck teeth at the chemical imbalance all around. Since I love my readers, I will let you in on how to stay sane and not end up in a straight jacket (shit ain't cute)...

Lady Chavez' Guide to Mental Stability

1) Smoke grass (I mean I don't, I'm just sayin')

2) Stop thinking about yourself all the damn time. There have been tons of studies on how people who think the least about themselves are the happiest (I'm gonna go ahead and say this especially applies to the dude who is a chronic jerker....work a soup kitchen or sumthin' you sick fuck!)

3) Do some meditation, just like 10 minutes a day. Your morning dump would be a good start.

4) Listen to more Reggae

5) Be artsy...creating stuff makes people happy even if your self-portrait ends up looking like Quasimoto, put that shit on the fridge

6) Don't do drugs!!!!!!!!! Damn, its mad lame. Have you listened to N.E.R.D's new jam? If you're passing up going home with Pharrell to snort lines, then you ain't gonna be happy in the morning. Trust!

7) Act looptid/dupid. Nobody thinks you're cool if you're all serious plus you're not going to be happy if you're moping around trying to look emotionally tortured. Get over yo'self and do something funny.

8) Nothing in excess. This might be the most important thing. Don't do anything to the extreme because you'll end up coming down hard or getting addicted to shit.

9) Lose the baggage. This is referring to that friend or relative who hates on everything and is dramaful. I don't care if its your quadraplegic grandmother, if she has a stank attitude, cut the cord (unless she's got some inheritance in the works)

10) Don't have sex til the 3rd date and girls, don't make out in the bar with your friend unless you are truly lezzie! That's real talk.

Love,

Sonny Wong

2008-02-03T07:32:00.000-05:00

We're super impressed with the art of Sonny Wong and his hip hop music is righteous as well. Below, we have a Wong originally but is such a coincidence because it looks just like that dude down the street from us that hobbles out to help us with our weedwacker and gives us the crazy, inappropriate eye.

Here's a little autobiography:

Sonny Wong is a mean egomaniac that lives in the Redwoods high above the Lost Coast in Humboldt County. There are rumors that he haunts many of the local hangouts, where patrons have heard the clanking of empty beer bottles and a gaggin' stench of beer breath. Often after these "sightings" weird and spooky drawings will be dripping on the walls. Sonny Wong is the 5th Great Grandson of Chief Joseph Brandt of the Mohawk Indians and still to this day is affected by the inappropriate number of enzymes in his system to breakdown alcohol properly, so please don't feed him booze, he will most likely blackout and start stabbing people.

Friend him on his Myspace
Check out his website
Smoke to his music
and his group Suns of Leisure

Self-Hate To the Fullest

2008-02-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

I try not to post too much on mainstream current events/Hollywood but What...The....Fuck? Why did Lil' Kim play herself like this? She looks like Margaret Cho in the early/fat years. If she wanted to be Asian, she could have just put on a fake accent like Brit Brit and Madonna do when they're posing British. I'm going to pretend this is a Chashmere Mafia themed party and everyone is supposed to be dressed like Lucy Liu so I can sleep tonite.

Adventures in Vegetarianism: Letter Writing

2008-02-01T08:57:00.000-05:00

We love our readers because we're pretty sure you care about something. Even if you write me off as a tree hugging hippy and don't care about animal rights, there must be something else that really pisses you off. So, today (or this weekend if you're busy with work aka internet porn) we're going to be activists about something and write a letter to the editor. Below I give some good tips on how to make a bangingly effective letter for action and at the bottom you will see the letter I wrote to Editor in Chief of Missbehave Magazine this morning about a recent article.

Tips on Good Letter Writing

1) Highlight the negative and the positive (don't come off as a hater)
2) Keep it succinct and to the point
3) Don't forget to include your contact info
4) Act like you're an expert on the subject area (but don't get all egotastical)
5) Throw in some "little known" or useful facts
6) Make sure you state your connection with the magazine, newspaper, tv station, etc...more than likely you are a consumer (even if you aren't, just lie)

Dear Mary Choi,

First we want to say, as Missbehave subscribers, we love, love, love the magazine. You guys are basically like us except you have way cooler jobs, get way more free stuff and have larger vocabularies. Still, we were shocked and disheartened to see in the last issue that "being vegan" is a way to ensure a dude will not get ass. Furthermore, there wasn't any explanation as to why vegans made the list. We feel like any dude who stands for anything other that his Xbox 360 and his cock, would be sexy. The dairy industry is inhumane and foul so knocking activists for animals seems irresponsible. We know that vegetarians and vegans catch shit all the time, we just thought Missbehave was a little more "damn the man" and punk than that. We also know that your magazine is not a super serious publication but we just think that you should give vegan guys a chance. They are compassionate in the sack too, trust us.

We've included some little known facts about the dairy industry to read at your leisure:

-Dairy cows are artificially inseminated to be pregnant year-round and once they give birth, their babies are ripped away for veal

-Mother cows are then hooked up to machines and milked in their tiny stall where they barely have room to even sit down

-Despite all the hormones pumped into the cows to produce 10 times the amount of milk they normally would, they are sent off to slaughterhouses once they are not fit the produce milk

Sincerely,

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl
http://ladyandfluff.blogspot.com/
ladyandfluff@gmail.com

Why I'm Going To Hell...Chapter II

2008-01-31T13:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's that time again. I was in a real funk earlier today and not feeling amped about anything at all. At first I thought I might be pregnant 'cause thats a real downer but then I threw myself down the stairs just in case. That didn't cheer me up so I went shopping for shit I didn't need...nope, didn't cheer me up. At this point I was about to piss my pants, so I dropped into the local Burger King and holy shit do I feel better about my life!

I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am not old as hell having nothing better to do than sit in BK with my wrinkly-balled, bald hubby and having absolutely nothing to say to him. What was also refreshing is that I didn't work there (duh) but also that I wasn't one of those super ashy guys who sit by the drink machine and wait for a "pretty lady" to walk up (aka any heifer without an adam's apple) so he can greet her all molester-like. The sight of those middle-aged whities in line with their taper-legged jeans and bomber jackets (not being ironic in the least) made me tingle with arrogance and I giggled in delight before I got the hell out of there.

I walked out of Burger King feeling like the luckiest bitch in the world and I have those unfortunate looking/smelling losers to thank for it. Today's going to be a good day.

Love,

Lady Chavez

Reader of the Month: Bitchin' Besties

2008-01-29T08:45:00.000-05:00

This is the first installment of "Reader of the Month" and we came straight out the gate with 2 readers because they were super hot best friends like us and we're wacky and spontaneous like that.

First up:

Name: Jenny Houser

Nickname: Jenny Rambler

Rep Your Hood: Well, I live in Northridge California, which totally blows, but I'm from Virginia Beach, Va which seriously kicks the shit out of California.

What makes you so damn special? I'm going to say my shoulder length mullet and my superior dance moves

What word or phrase do you use the most? Something along the lines of "who cares" or any phrase with the word fuck in it probably

How do you get down? How do I like to party? I can honestly say I have never been asked that, but Im gonna says balls to the wall. If you're gonna do the damn thing, just do it. I try not to get sloppy drunk, because you gotta keep the class factor up, but it doesnt hurt to get a little bit out of control now and then

What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day? I give cruddy advice I think, but Im probably just going to say "real girls do real things" dont just sit around and complain all the time and depend on other people to make you happy. If you want something, then fucking go for it and get it for yourself.

What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival? Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart

Why do you love us so much? No promo. Its the jimmy jam! I mean how stoked am I on two other rad girls doing the damn thing? super stoked.

Next up:

Name: Melissa Summer Duncan Mccarley

Nickname: Just summer, or McCarley...but those are real names so I guess it doesn't count

Rep Your Hood: VB...Parks Ave!

What makes you so damn special? I play in makeup for a living...I can macgyver an outfit together from mere scraps that people will ooze with jealousy over...and Im pretty sure Im going to make my life's fortune off of a travel guide I'm going to write in the next year after I drunkenly backpack through south america* (*situation pending)

What word or phrase do you use the most?" thhiiisss bbiitttcchhh"

How do you get down? Sapphire and tonics, raspberries and champagne, dark spicy red wine, midget strippers, and dance offs in my undies with rambler circa 2004 in my moms living room

What is the one piece of advice you can offer the rest of us so we can be as cool as you one day? pshaw! Is it possible? haha...no um, just be real, smile and have fun...ladies stop being shitty bitches and dudes, stop being too cool.

What do you feel is the best song to make out to behind the port-o-potty at your local carnival? hands down...Free Bird, its a carny classic. Or montel jordan "this is how we do it"...carnys love old played out top 40 hip-hop. I always confuse montel jordan with montel willams...I wonder if he gets that alot...All I know is he wears some fly ass rocks in his ears. have you ever seen those things??!!

Why do you love us so much? No promo. It's nice to see some ladies writing about the music I'm into, and you're sassy as hell!

Atreyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

2008-01-29T08:03:00.000-05:00

No not that shitty band. I watched Neverending Story last night because Mini Chavez was all into Clash of the Titans last week so I figured she was ready for it. All these memories of me young as hell came back to me and the shit was heavy. How heavy is that movie? Let's see...

Heavy:

The Horse Drowning in the Mud
********************************
I remembered crying hysterically when this happened and yelling, "Don't give into the sadness Artax!" but it didn't matter. I'm one of those people who will watch an old school war scene and I don't care if people's heads are getting severed, just don't let the horse fall down and sprain an ankle even. 'Cause then the tears just start flowin'. Even though Artax is running around at the end with Atreyu, that shit is too heavy for real and way more in yo' face than Bambi's mom.

Heavier:

**************************

When Atreyu reaches the Empress at the end and shit is falling down everywhere and about to blow if the boy doesn't realize his power or something, the Empress is crying and Atreyu is yelling because he doesn't understand. The boy has to run up to the window and say his poor, dead mother's name. Crazy and heavy.

Heaviest:

************************
I tried to find the quote when the wolf-vampire, Gmork, is about to kill Atryeu and couldn't so I'm gonna summarize it. He basically says that he was sent to help out The Nothing destroy the hopes and dreams of Fantasia because when people don't have hope, it is easier to rule them and The Nothing and Gmork will then be all-powerful and in control. Why don't they have screen moments like that now in kids' movies? Whoa, how dead on was that wolf-vampire? Very heavy.

And...I want them to do a full-on remake of this movie (not the shitty straight-to-dvd they've been making). I am normally not a fan of remakes but I just need theme parks to have a reason to make a Falcor ride so I can ride on Falcor before I die.

This all sounds nerdy as fuck, sorry. I think I'll sign this one Fluffgirl ;)

Le Castle Vania is French for The Disco Badass

2008-01-26T19:34:00.000-05:00

We're totally not into house music but we are into DJ DJ Dylan and his disco music for the new millenium. You'd probably never guess that he's from Atlanta (our second home) or that he drives a Lamborghini (actually thats probably untrue). What is immediately apparent is that his hair is always flawless and he wears way cuter clothes than us (we're pretty sure he invented the all-over print hoodie). Despite all our envy of his fabulousity, our hearts are beating 120 BPMS for him.

L and F: You're touring all over the place but started out in Atlanta. What cities get down the hardest?

LCV: Well i throw a party once a month in Atlanta called FUCK YESSS which gets really crazy every month and is for sure one of my favorite parties to play. and then of course i love djing in LA because they probably have the biggest electro parties in the US, blow up is a great party in san francisco. out side of the US i love the parties down in tijuana, mexico city, and monterrey the kids down there get super into it! and of course i had an amazing time djing over in the UK last time i was there!

L and F: Do you think remixing Black Eyes for Snowden was your big break?

LCV: well Black Eyes was the first song i ever put out under the name Le Castle Vania so yeah i think of course it was what put me on the map because it was like my first impression to most ppl that have heard my music.

L and F: What's a typical day like on tour?

LCV: well you know it's mostly just me hanging out with super models ballin out of control rolling around in my lamborghini... there's also usually some white tigers around somewhere rolling around in some diamonds or something like that.

L and F: I see some Pumps on your page. Are you a sneakerhead?

LCV: hmm i mean not really... i mean i like good kicks as much as the next guy... but i mean i'm not like one of those fanatic kids that's gotta have the new shit the day it comes out or whatever.

L and F: Do you have a formula for when to play what kind of song or is it a crowd by crowd basis?

LCV: well i mean i definitely have a style and a type of sound that i always try to push but of course i also adjust my sets to work for the crowd i'm playing to... as a dj you have to find a balance between the two side so that you maintain integrity as an artist. any clown can buy serato and go play the latest remixes of some top 40 bull shit and some throw back party jams, mash ups and get ppl to dance... but that doesn't make them a good DJ... i'm way more impressed by DJs that can come through with some hot fresh new shit that ppl have never heard and still keep the dance floor bumpin. to me thats pushing things forward and thats what i try to do when i DJ. aside from that i've also been making a lot of my own exclusive edits and remixes of tunes that can only be heard in my DJ set so when someone comes to see me DJ they are hearing exclusive new music that they only hear in my sets which to me makes it more artistic and intimate rather than just playing the same tunes that anybody else can go download off some blog somewhere you know.

L and F: When you get super big, will you become a media whore, driving around all drunk and showing your privates like some celebrities we know?

LCV: hell yeah i'm selling out hard core! i wont be drinking and driving but i will be swinging my privates in front of cameras every where for sure! nah but for real i plan to always just have a good time and keep it about the art of making music that i enjoy and that i hope other people will enjoy as well. :)

Check out Le Castlevania on Myspace
or on his website
and Lies in Disguise, his project with Blake Miller from Moving Units
and buy a "I Love You But I've Chosen Disco" shirt

Letter To the Female Cock Blocker

2008-01-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

Preface: I have officially retired from the game but I know most you still have your game face on and this is a letter to that chick who used to cramp my style back in the day...

Dear Cock Blockette,

Just because I don’t have a cock, doesn’t mean you can block when we go out to the bar/club. If we haven’t seen each other in a year and we’re having girl’s night out, definitely expect over 50% of my attention. But, if we go out all the time (at least twice a month) and see each other regularly during daylight for shopping, watching Lifetime, talking shit about other girls, etc, then “peace, see you later” when we get to the bar. I mean not completely, but I like to mingle and if I’m talking to a dude and laughing and winking, then go powder your nose or something. Just because you don’t have game does not mean I can’t flaunt mine around the bar at my leisure and totally disregard you. Wait, I know that sounds way harsh but I expect you to do the same thing and go for yours. I will see you on the dance floor periodically and you can trust I will call a reliable, upstanding cab company to take your lonely ass home at the end of the night. That’s really what friends are for after all.

Love,

Lady Chavez

Say It With A Card

2008-01-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

I thought nothing could say insincere as much as my grandmother stocking up on clearance cards for all generic occasions and busting one out when a birthday or "thank you" was in order, but these guys have done it! Mixedspecies came up with these glorious cards where you can just check the appropriate sentiment. Not only that but they take hilarious, totally irrelevant pictures like the one above to promote their products.

Other Cards We Like:

They also have shirts:

And nice passive-aggressive stickers to give out:

BRITNEY SPEARS: 1981-2008

2008-01-24T08:26:00.000-05:00

by Mild Davis

Oh Brit-Brit. It's hard to believe you're gone from our lives and gossip blogs forever. Your life burned fast and bright, much like a 25 cent sparkler from South of the Border. But, before we say our final goodbyes, let's take a look back at your meteoric rise to top and historic plunge into the dumpster.

On a humid night in Kentwood, LA in 1981, Jamie and Lynn Spears got boozed up and soiled the back of a rusted out 1974 conversion van with their stench of their lovemaking. The coital scene smelled of seafood, cheap beer and shattered dreams. If only they had know what that broken condom would unleash on the world. Thanks a lot, hillbillies.

In 1990, despite the will of God himself, she somehow escaped her bayou purgatory and worked her way up the child star ladder from Star Search (which she lost) to the big leagues at the Mickey Mouse Club. At MMC, she shared the stage with fellow future stars Justin Timberlake, Keri Russell, JC Chasez, Ryan Gosling and Christina Aguilera, none of who ended up being total fucktards like Brit. Faster than you can say "you want another helpin' of possum," Britney became mommy and daddy's golden ticket to the Chocolate Factory. The family packed up the trailer and headed to the big city where people use words with more than four letters and somehow brush their teeth every day. The writing was on the wall.

After a few years under the radar, she came back in 1998 with new boobs and an exposed midriff and took over America like a guy named Leroy will take your manhood on your first night in prison. Leaving no cliché sexual fantasy untapped, this virgin ("tha butt don't count, ya'll") was on top of the world. She was also at the top of the "People I Think About When I Work My Gherkin" list for boys between 12 and 15 in 1998 and 1999. She and her high-sangin' beau, Justin Timberlake, were America's blonde blue-eyed sweethearts. But, they weren't doing 'it' so I don't know what he saw in her. What a cock tease.

Following rumors she porked some random dude in 2002, she split with JT in and got down with the freaky deaky hardcore style. And it was about god damn time. This was WAY more like it! It's widely believed that she didn't wear anything but a bra and some boyshorts from November of 2002 to March of 2003. Between sucking face with Madonna, seeing how small of a bra she could cram her cans into and giving me sexy looks all the time, you couldn't get away from Britney in 2002 and 2003. Without the shackles of her former chastity, Brit was free to work more wood than Bob Villa on This Old House. It is estimated that upwards of 4% of the male population in the Los Angeles metro area engaged in some sort of sexual act with her in this 24 month span.

But then it happened. Just like her mama always promised her it would. She met her Prince Charming. He was a backup dancer in a dirty wife beater and smoked Newports. How could a girl not love that in a man? Mr. Kevin J. Federline and Ms. Britney Jean Spears were wed on September 18th 2004 and Satan's unholy prophesy was finally realized. Britney wasted no time in letting her hillbilly instincts take the helm and managed to squeeze out two bundles of sadness and regret in less than three years. The couple was bound to last forever, due to their common interests of unprotected sex, cigarettes and Manwich. They quickly became national royalty, kinda like our generation's JFK and Jackie O. Except, our generation is way more into Red Bull, Halo and lip gloss rather than lame ass crap like civil rights and world peace. Fucking hippies.

But, fate has a funny way of rearing its bald head. The Federline/Spears union crapped out like a wet fart in 2006. Let's just say Britney didn't take it well. Her post K-fed activities included flashing the kitty, pills, shaving things other than her va-jay-jay, pills, attacking paparazzi with blunt objects, pills, comparing thongs with gay black guys, not hanging out with her kids and pills. She attempted a brief comeback in the music world which consisted of a hot pink bra, a fur boa, backup dancers voluntarily ruining their careers and some serious muffin top action. When Us Weekly says you need help, listen the fuck up. They ain't bullshitting. Just because they exploit your life's trials and tribulations for profit, it doesn't mean that they don't care.

Then, like Hiroshima, Britney dropped the crazy bomb. We thought we'd seen it all (well, technically, we did see most of it) but Britney had a few surprises left in her hair extensions. Trick Daddy loves da kids, but that wasn't Brit's bag. So she gave up on the kids, and embraced crazy as her new family. Legal battles, flings with paparazzi, donuts stuck in her esophagus and collecting wigs became her day to day regime. Without any blind hope of making any kind of comeback, Brit was finally allowed to explore the deep end and all it has to offer. She took up new hobbies like riding in ambulances that go "woo woo woo" and getting fat. But, the good times finally caught up with the faded pop princess. Since I haven't heard anything about her in almost a week now, I have no other choice but to assume she's finally kicked the bucket and gone to that giant Starbuck's in Hell.

She brought new meaning to the phrase 'bat shit crazy' and made it look good most of the time. She'll be missed. Hopefully her preggo sister can fill the void left on my celeb gossip blogs. Those Spears' genes run deep, ya'll.

Wait...What? What do you mean she's not dead??? No fucking way! There is no way she's still breathing!! Really?!? You're positive? Double positive? Well, I'll be damned. Oh well, we'll just post it again next week. She's gotta be near the finish line at this point.

Peta and The Cool Kids in Cahoots

2008-01-23T11:39:00.000-05:00

Peta2 is on the road with The Cool Kids and spreading the word about animal rights issues to unsuspecting hipster carnivores. Apparently one of the The Cool Kids is vegetarian and the other one is on the fence. So, in my neverending quest to educate you fools on this topic, I am pasting Peta2's tour log sent to me by my boy Caleb, who used to ship my packages when I worked for PETA and now he's all in charge and stuff (totally sleeping his way to the top):

by Cody and Tall John

We're back on the road and with a sweet hip-hop group called The Cool Kids.

On this tour, we're taking the time to tell folks about how un-cool fur is. Seriously, what's cool about no federal laws providing protection for the millions of animals—including chinchillas, foxes, minks, and raccoons—who suffer and die on fur farms? Animals on fur farms are kept in crowded, filthy wire cages, where they often develop neurotic behaviors and become sick or wounded, and fur farmers kill them by breaking their necks while they are sometimes still fully conscious or by using anal or genital electrocution. Horrible, I know.

How about I tell you about the road now? Well, we have a new friend out with us and he goes by Tall John. Say, hi Tall John!

We were just in Tinley Park, IL, for a skate fest and a bunch of kids were asking about our Trollsen Twins campaign, which you should definitely check out if you haven't yet!

Well, that was a novel...Come say hello and stay cool, but warm.

-Cody and Tall John

PS - Have you voted for the Fugliest Fur Hag of 2007 yet?!

Craft of the Week: Lady Chavez's Revamped Vintage Rings

2008-01-23T08:24:00.000-05:00

Here's a tutorial on how I make my fabulous and super easy rings made from vintage clip-on earrings. If you're a girl, you'll be the flyest bird anywhere you go and if you're a dude, Valentine's Day is coming up and these rings = guranteed ass.

Oh and I went all artsy with the photos, hope you like (don't pay attention to my ashy hands and my busted fingernail polish-damn now you're going to pay attention)

1) Go thrifting or to yard/estate sales and get some clip-on earrings. You can use any earrings that are hot and retro looking and snip off the "clip-on" part so the back is just flat and nothing is attached.

2) You'll need to purchase some ring bases like the one below. I got mine from Oriental Trading but its better to get them through Etsy. Nothing sexual in the picture below....(Ok...Damn! You guys know me too well!)

3) Glue the earring to the ring with your trusty glue gun (y'all are really diggin' the artsyiness, I can tell)

4) And, Voila! There you have epic trendsetting in 4 easy steps. You're welcome

-LC

Juan Huevos: Butcher by Day...Hot, Shirtless Rapper by Night

2008-01-20T13:59:00.000-05:00

You might walk into a Carrboro, NC bar and find yourself buying Juan Huevos a PBR and no homo but because of him, you and your horny friends have walked into a buffet of the hottest hipster chicks in town. Not only that but Juan and Jake Dead (who make up Diamond Studs) are a refreshing break from the regurgitated "I'm so fucking indie" crap you've been force fed lately. Dude has so much going on that I'm gonna let him take it away (3rd person style) with shit you should probably know about him, no promo. We're kinda smitten, real stalk...I mean real talk.

1) Juan Huevos is a member of the elite underground gang known as
b.e.a.r. -----------> with giovanni marks at the helm. they are an
infection that cannot be protected against spreading. Go to
briefcaserockers.com for more info.

2) Juan Huevos eats more peanut butter EVERYDAY than is probably safe
for humans.

3) Dude reads Betty and Veronica comics with a vengeance.

4) If you think it's about you, girl, it probably is. Then again,
think of all the other girls it could be about. see? you never
really know .......

5) if Huevos is at home alone he is either:

a) in the studio
b) exercising
c) getting high in the studio
d) getting high before he exercises

Now, for a Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl first, check out the audio interview with Juan Huevos conducted by producer and newest collaborator for our site, Mild Davis. It's a shitfaced, explosive 4-minutes of hot topics like football and incest, respectively.

update: if the audio interview isn't working right, we're working on it so come back, our bad

or you can download it http://www.mediafire.com/?elmir2lzk4l

And...we asked some really cool and popular people for reactions to Huevos' songs on his Myspace:

Fat Not Flat

"In 2008, theres no shortage of what sweaty men and a 303 sampler can accomplish... every track on Juan Huevos' site has serious potential... the shiner is "Fat not Flat" an ode to manual appreciation of a voluptuous bottom... and I'd have to say that Huevos may shape up to be just that... sonically fat and voluptuous... I suggest you take a handful at your leisure..."

-Charlie Restless from Elm and Oak

Kiss Freestyle

"I just picture this as a dude drunk as hell, coming home from the bars and deciding to drunk dial a girl and this is the conversation he has. Oh and he's got some 80's radio station on blast in the background while doing all this."

-Electric Haze Records

Only Pony Unicorn

"This is music for Nintendo characters to get crunk to"

-Rafi Kam from Internets Celebrities and Ohword.com

"Juan's 'Only Pony Unicorn' sounds like Peaches' kid brother broke into the studio after dark, armed with a six-pack and a record bag of dusty 80s vinyl - this track is a slutty stomper!"

-Fabulous Les

And if you're not already convinced that Juan and his crew are that shit, then here's a Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl download exclusively for our readers. It's called Wedding Toaster, a collabo with Mild Davis, and is basically the coolest thing you ever got for free that no one else has and that you didn't have to get slut-rageous to acquire. Trust.

Also check out some of Juan Huevos' other collaborative efforts:

Pink Motor Monsters
Uno Dose Productions
BFF Crew= Diamond Studs and George Brazil

Anybody Got a Hangover?

2008-01-19T10:33:00.000-05:00

Mild Davis is talking a lot of smack about his google image acquiring skills and has already publicly bitch slapped us with a challenge. In the meantime, (before we punish him Google-y), he whipped up this set of images with captions that best represent the word of the week,
HANGOVER.

*This record might as well be called “The Soundtrack of My Life.” It’s kinda sad, really. But at least there are four naked ladies. AND, note the bottom of the sleeve where it says “High In-Fidelity.” Man, cats in the 60’s were some clever bastards.

*Well fuck me in the goat ass. This is AMAZING!!! If UPN and KROQ give it props, it’s gotta be legit. For serious. And, apparently, this shit only works if worn in full view of the public. If obscured by clothing, it is rendered useless. Does it seem like somebody lost a bet here, or is it just me?

*I think this is European and I’m not 100% sure what they are trying to say with this poster. I think it means, don’t exercise, bathe or drink coffee so you can be a smelly Frenchman. I’ll look into this further. Check back later for more updates. Until then, just avoid exercise, soap and coffee just to be on the safe side.

*What the fuck does this have to do with a hangover? I dunno either. But, it’s a good reminder that if you have back and shoulder hair, you should never be backlit if you’re not wearing a shirt. And, that’s a life lesson we can all use.

*Somebody is gonna be glad she remembered to take her birth control today!

*I told you so.

*ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Japan is awesome!

*Mild Davis – a self portrait

*Man ass. This seriously popped up three separate times in the search. I guess Google feels there is a link between tight man buns and my drinking problem? Assholes.

*My dick just fell off and ran away screaming! This monster could be sitting there, not puking and just drinking a Starbucks, and I think my pecker still would’ve headed for the hills in terror. AND, why the fuck is she outside on a park bench?!?! Who let this bitch out of her cage? **sigh**

Oh shit!

2008-01-19T07:15:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is another oldie but I was listening to "Still Dreamin" by Nas featuring Kanye West for the 800th time. I still listen to Hip Hop is Dead at least once a week. I have to say Kanye definitely stepped up his lyricism for this song but Nas still shits all over him in verse 2. Is it just me?

I mean its not like a full on huge homeless dude shit you walk by on the way to work (even though they say they don't have money to eat....hmph). It's just like one of those mid-sized turds that when you wipe, nothing is on the paper but you definitely hot-boxed the stall with something fierce!

Best part:

How you a man waitin' for the next man to get rich?
Yo' plan is to stick out yo' hand real quick
So if he feed ya family and he serve you shit
Then he need that head you get and he deserve your bitch

Pick it Up! Pick it Up!

2008-01-18T10:44:00.000-05:00

Mini Chavez has been talking about Yo Gabba Gabba and since I have a 5 month delay on everything, I decided to look it up on YouTube just now. It's fucking radical and epic and i feel like a real loser for not looking into it sooner. I wish we had this when we were kids. This is my favorite song so far:

And the Halloween Biz's Beat of the Day is hilarious. I think he's a little too into his character:

-LC

Do Artists Make The Best Lovers?

2008-01-18T07:27:00.000-05:00

by Dren A.D.

So, some say that artist in any form make for the best lovers. I am here today to set the record straight. Hells yeah we are. See what some fail to realize is that we don’t have shit else to do. Sure we paint, draw, make beats, play g-tar, and all of that other cool ass shit, but besides that, its mostly down time. And you know what that means?? Time for some sexual healing. Healing for you and me.

Here is a little tid-bit about artist you might not know. We make, do, draw and create for others to love. So ask yourself. How do you think we make the cut?

-Dren A.D.

Check out his music and art

Truck and Balls: Don't Forget the Children (Get it? Oh, Nevermind)

2008-01-16T19:17:00.000-05:00

Truck Ballz get no play. Actually they do in VA and they're trying to pass legislation to ban the giant plastic male genitalia that hang from the tow hitch on redneck trucks. Do y'all have these? Do y'all even say "ya'll"? I need to get the fuck out of here. Anyway, I checked out the news online today just in time to catch this article and it was the usual "freedom of speech" vs. "what about the kids?" shit but the good part was the video where homeboy has no teeth. He has major meth face and he's attaching the "Truck Nutz" to his Chevy. Take special note of the Woodstock tattoo on his right wrist (we ain't talking the music festival, but the Peanuts cartoon). The 2nd best part is his cousin who says that its the same thing as a kid seeing a horse with his balls dangling down and you gotta explain it sometime. Oh, and the 3rd best thing is the chick who can't stop giggling while being interviewed and has definitely been smoking for 30 years even though she looks like she's only 29.

Check out the video here.
You have to watch a little commercial in the beginning but its worth it.

And here's the bill:

HOUSE BILL NO. 1452

Offered January 15, 2008

A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding in Article 10 of Chapter 10 of Title 46.2 a section numbered 46.2-1088.7, relating to display on or equipping of motor vehicles with objects resembling human genitalia.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Virginia:

1. That the Code of Virginia is amended by adding in Article 10 of Chapter 10 of Title 46.2 a section numbered 46.2-1088.7 as follows:

§ 46.2-1088.7. Display on and equipping of motor vehicles with objects or devices representing or resembling human genitalia.

No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle with any object or device that depicts, represents, or resembles human genitalia, regardless of size or scale.